Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

[SwampSooner]

Bottom post of the previous page:

Classic Insults

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
1. "He had delusions of inadequacy” - Walter Kerr
2. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
3. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
4. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
9. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
10. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here” - Stephen Bishop
12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
16. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
17. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
18. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
19. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
20. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
21. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
22. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
23. The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
24. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
25. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
26. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
27. "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

[AllSooner]

Sometimes I wish the message board syntax wasn't on......see #24.

[Triple Option]

I keep telling my wife she needs a new hearing aid.

But she just won't listen.

[Triple Option]

Interviewer: What's this 4 year gap in your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive! You're hired!
Me: Thanks! I really needed this Yob.

[Triple Option]

Had to quit my job at the poisonous chemical plant.

The work environment was just too toxic.

[BudaSooner]

Not sure whether this one won the Darwin Award of 1997, but...

Wayne Roth of Pittston, Pennsylvania. In 1997, according to the Darwin Awards, Wayne was bitten by a cobra belonging to his friend Roger after reaching into the tank to pick the poisonous snake up. “I don’t need to go to the hospital,” Wayne told Roger. “I’m a man. I can handle it.”

On Wayne’s suggestion, the pair headed to a pub instead. There he proved what a man he was by sinking several pints, boasting about the bite, and promptly dying about an hour later.

On the subject of Darwin Awards, there is this:

Man tries to recreate "Up" and is too successful
Larry Walters didn’t die during the stunt, but the Darwin Awards still gave him an ‘honorable mention’. After attaching 45 weather balloons to an armchair, Larry cut himself loose, thinking he would float 30ft above his garden in California. He miscalculated and rose to an elevation of 10,000ft. Luckily, he brought an air rifle along for the ride and started shooting the balloons, reducing his altitude. He eventually came down over LAX, where he was promptly arrested.

[BudaSooner]

[waddy's ghost]

do you know why that school from stoolwater has osu on their helmet ? because pctda (pane county tractor driving academy) won't fit .

[Triple Option]

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

No nose body.

[Triple Option]

What do get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Triple Option]

[Triple Option]

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and she's an excellent cook."

[OU Guy]

TO, I always send these to my adult kids and they love them. In a mad world its great to have humor in our lives! Appreciate you taking the time to post them (and everyone else who posts them as well). That video was awesome!!

[Triple Option]

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

[OU Guy]

LSU/FSU last night

[OU Guy]

Watched like 20 times to make sure it was real