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Soonertimes posters wrote: I hate those little Russian dolls . . . they're so full of themselves.
I finally got around to reading that Stephen Hawking book the other day. I figured it was about time.
Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.
Conjunctivitis.com - now there’s a site for sore eyes.
One time I saw a baseball, and I couldn’t figure out why it seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. Suddenly it hit me.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
A short psychic broke out of jail. Police are looking for a small medium at large.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
I went to a bookstore and asked the lady for a book about turtles. She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little wrinkled heads.”
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away, a king and his wife longed for a baby, but alas, they remained childless. So they got a kitten. They enjoyed it so much they got another, and another, and then a puppy, and more puppies, and soon there were cats and dogs running all over the palace. The king and queen were so enamored of their pets they kept acquiring more – rabbits and chickens and pigs and sheep and then a calf and then a fawn and soon there were animals everywhere, traditional pets but also barnyard animals like horses and cows and even wild animals – deer and turkeys and ducks and geese and well, you get the idea. The palace was a mess and it smelled horrible and they became a laughingstock among all the other kingdoms. Finally the people had enough, and since the king and queen refused to give up their animals, the people revolted and kicked them out and anointed a new king and queen with higher standards of cleanliness. It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of game.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece-suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other
And so they haggled before the king, until he demanded silence.
"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in halve.
Each of you shall receive a half."
"Fine. Sound good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
A retired farmer who lived next to a state highway was sitting on his porch early one morning, when a state highway truck parked down the road. The driver got out of the truck, walked to the edge of the ditch, dug a hole, then got back into the truck. Another guy got out of the truck, walked to the hole, filled it back in, and then returned to the truck. The driver then moved the truck 50 feet up the road, and the process repeated itself. This went on all morning.
When they got up even with his house, the farmer walked out and asked them what was going on. “You get out and dig a hole, and then you get out and fill it in.”
The driver looked a little sheepish, and replied, "Well, we're part of a state highway beautification project. The problem is, the guy who's supposed to put the tree in the hole is home sick today."