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Triple Option
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Post by Triple Option »

Bottom post of the previous page:

Soonertimes posters wrote: A guy with a duck under his arm walks into the room where his wife is sitting and says "This is the pig I was telling you about."
His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"
He says "I was talking to the duck."

Research shows that men own more dogs than women.
Because it's illegal to own women.

When I was in high school, I tried out for the football team. The coach asked, "So. Do you think you could pass this football, son?" I said, "If I can swallow it, I can pass it."
So, anyway, my Friday nights were pretty much open.

Paleontologists have discovered the tibia of a dinosaur, that is believed to be the largest ever found. They're inviting everyone to a huge party to watch as it is uncovered and removed from the ground.
Yes, it's going to be quite a shindig.

Do they allow loud laughs in Hawaii or just a low ha?

I asked the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said “How flexible are you?”
I said “Well, I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

Had lunch with a buddy who's a competitive chess player. The restaurant had checkered tablecloths. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

My buddy said he really wanted to plant an apple tree, but his wife said no.
I told him to grow a pear.

Just sold my homing pigeon on ebay for the 23rd time.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

I was going to start on a diet, but I just have way too much on my plate right now.

I wasn’t particularly close to Grandpa when he died.
Which was lucky for me, because he was run over by a bus.

There are three unwritten rules for getting rich, and they work every single time:
1.
2.
3.

A limbo player walks into a bar . . . and was immediately out.

I was only about halfway through the horse when I realized I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

On average, humans have one breast and one testicle.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Triple Option
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Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: What type of bees make milk?
Boobies!

Why are the saggy boobs angry?
Because they never get any support.

What do you call the space between two enlarged breasts?
Silicon valley.

What do a push-up bra and a bag of chips have in common?
When you open them, they’re both half empty.

The existence of boobs proves one thing:
Guys can focus on two things at once.

How do you drown a blond?
You just put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the 'W's.

How do you make an aggie laugh on Saturday?
You tell them a joke on Wednesday.

Two Aggies were driving and one thought her blinker might be broken…
She asked her friend to check. The friend stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…"

How do you keep an Aggie in the shower all day?
You give them a shampoo that says "rinse, wash, and repeat."

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital….
So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left."
So they started crying and went home.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ears.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

A blonde walks into a hospital and claims that everywhere she touches hurts…
The doctor says, "Ma'am, you have a broken finger."

Why did the blonde think she was a genius after completing her jigsaw puzzle?
The box said "for two to five years" and it only took her one.

A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and says, "Who wants to hear some blonde jokes?"
The waitress says "I'm blonde! And my coworker is blonde, too.
Also, the lady sitting next to you is blonde as well. Are you sure you want to tell them?"
The blind guy says "No, I guess not.
I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

Q: How did the blonde lawyer sway the judge?
A: She dropped her briefs.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: A math teacher stumbles into his house at 3 am after a night out with the boys.
His wife is furious and says "You're over 3 hours late!"
He says "What? I'm not late at all."
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No, dear, I said quarter of twelve."

I'll never forget the last thing Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.
He said "Son, how far do you reckon I can kick this here bucket?"

True story from TO - my daughter got me a t-shirt for Father's Day that reads: I Keep All My Dad Jokes in a Dad-a-base.
I'm so proud.

(As they're looking at a bat)
Dimaggio: "I could hit .330 with this."
Carew: "I could hit .340 with this."
Martin: "I could hit 3 people with this."

A woman in labor suddenly screamed “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Don't! Can’t! Won't!”
“Hurry Doctor!” shouted the nurse. “The contractions have started!"

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death’s agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
There, spread upon the newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies!
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withering hand, quivering, made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table. Feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of cookies was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
He reached for another cookie, when he felt a sharp, sudden stinging on his hand. He looked to see his wife, still holding a spatula she has just used to smack his hand.
“Stay out of those cookies!’ she said, “They’re for your funeral!”

A guy walks into a bank and says "I'd like to find out how your no-interest loan works."
The bank employee says "I don't care."

How much does a rainbow weigh?
Not much, they're actually . . . pretty light.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at outdoor events.
I wonder how many people are in that field.

Today I learned that Albert Einstein was a real person.
And all this time I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“
I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I've decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing.
It will definitely spice up my autobiography.

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: True story: My son has a small plot near a busy highway. I keep an antique truck out there. We took my grandson, Patrick out there. When I opened the garage door to get my truck out, there was a rattlesnake lying right behind the door. My son, sensing an opportunity for a lesson, told Patrick "That is a rattlesnake, anytime you see one you avoid it. They are dangerous." Patrick said "Can I touch it?"

Why are murders in Stillwater so hard to solve?
Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.
So I sat down on the couch and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my firearms collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

I just lost my job working at the zoo.
But in my defense, there were signs everywhere saying “Please don’t feed the animals.”

Student: "Are 'well' and 'actually' both one-syllable words?"
Teacher: "Well, yes . . . but actually, no."

My mother-in-law has Evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges.

Judge: "The charge is you beat your husband with his guitars. First offender?"
Lady: "No, your Honor. First a Gibson. Then a Fender."

I saw a man pushing a lion and a witch into a wardrobe. I asked, “What are you doing?”
He replied, “Go away, it’s Narnia business.”

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”
The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”
The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”
“Start? Today’s the last day.”

A perfectionist walks into a bar.
Apparently, the bar was set way too low.

The word "diputseromneve" may look and sound ridiculous, but spelled backwards it’s even more stupid.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink this morning.
I'm still in the emergency room, waiting to be seen.

Bigfoot is often confused with Sasquatch.
Yeti never complains.

Why does the nurse keep red crayons in her desk?
Because sometimes she has to draw blood.

People in my family never get angry.
We're no-mads.

I'd just like to give a shout-out to Grandpa.
Because otherwise he won't hear me.

Due to consequences from the covid outbreak, Germany is running out of both sausage and cheese.
Unfortunately, the wurst kase scenario has come true.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Triple Option
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Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist...
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science (AAFS), President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. TRUE Dr. Harper told the story but he made the story up as an example of bizarre situations forensic scientists can run across and their legal consequences. So it is true but false. Btw Dr Harper freely admitted that he made the whole thing up.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who got fired?
She couldn't control her pupils.

I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
But eventually we drifted apart.

Apparently there is an exclusive club for hunters who have legally bagged at least one each of the Grizzly, Polar, and Kodiak species.
It's the bear minimum requirement.

Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

A burglar broke into our house last night, but I didn’t shoot him. Didn't need to.
I just put the red laser dot on his forehead, moved it back and forth a little, and our three cats did the rest.

I finally was able to open my shoe store for only large sized shoes.
Let me tell you, no small feet.

I bought a book off the internet titled "How to Scam People Online."
I'm getting concerned, because it's been 6 months and it still hasn't arrived.

Morris, 82 years old, goes to the doctor for his checkup. Couple days later the doc sees him walking with a young, pretty lady. Doc says you must be feeling OK, Morrey. Morris says "I'm doing what you told me. You said get a hot mama and be cheerful." Doctor "Not what I said. I told you you had a heart murmur, so be careful!"

I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don’t stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, “One moment please, I will get the pharmacist.”
The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?” “I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde. “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.” “But I always get it here,” says the blonde. “Do you have the container it comes in?” “Yes!” Said the blonde, “I will go and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, “This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant.” The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Once I dated a girl who wanted to be an astronaut.
She kept telling me she needed more space.

Used to be in a band called "Books."
We wrote some really good original material, but everybody judged us by our covers.

It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house.
So I got her a magazine rack.

My wife handed me a peach. I told her I would prefer a pear.
So she gave me another one.

Did you hear about the toothless termite that walked into the bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here"?

"Hello. My name is Bob, and I'm an alcoholic."
"Sir, this is AAA, not AA."
"Oh, I know. I'm just explaining why my car is in the lake."

A wizard friend of mine asked me to proofread one of his scrolls.
Well, not completely proofread, it was actually just a spell check.

I have a phobia about the speed bump on my street.
But I am slowly getting over it.

My daughter broke up with a guy after she saw him barefoot for the first time, becasue he was missing his pinky toes, he just had 4 toes on each foot. She said "I'm sorry, I just . . . I just can't."
So I was talking to her about it later and said, "Sweetie, don't you think that's a little shallow?" She said "Daddy, it's not like that, it's a medical thing. You know I'm lack-toes intolerant!"

I think many people take stone countertops for granite.
Of quartz they do

“There’s only one thing that scares me at Halloween,” I said to my wife.
“Which is?” she asked questioningly.
“Exactly,” I replied.
Ta-daa! The end of jokes from the old board.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Post by Rough Rider »

Thanks TO!

I would have been fine with starting a new from scratch but this is better. :-)
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Post by EMan »

Outstanding! As a little background for those of you that don't know, TO's "Joke Thread" was the longest-running thread in the history of our message board. TO made the initial post of this historic string on Thurs, Feb 2, 2017. It had 2,145 replies and 189,216 views. And I find it very appropriate that TO started this thread with the same joke he used to start it all off 5 years ago:

"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran."

And as long as I'm at it, I also want to share one more bit of history by making a tribute to one of the most beloved SoonerTimes posters of all time, who sadly is no longer with us. This joke (which also shows up on the first page) was posted by OldHippie on Friday, Feb. 3, 2017....

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

RIP, OH! You are missed!

Thanks, TO! Now we're off and running again!
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong!
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Post by walt »

It is kind of sad that it wasn't possible to post the whole thread. Hopefully, this new thread will live on for lots of years. I read the last thread posted on a regular basis, and even when things got slow I would go find some good ones to post. Thanks to TO for getting things back up and running.
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Post by Triple Option »

I'm trying to lose weight by wearing a package of bread on my head.
It’s a loaf-hat diet.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Post by Rough Rider »

It was my favorite thread on the old board. Thanks TO.
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Post by Triple Option »

I bought my wife a thought-controlled air freshener that produces a variety of aromas.

If you think about it, it makes a lot of scents.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Post by Oklahombre »

Three blog sites where I used to get a lot of my gifs have shut down. My favorite shut down because he died, the others just got tired I guess.


Spring is just around the corner...Get ready Moore, Ok.

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Oklahombre
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Post by Oklahombre »

I can do that.

I'm trying to find some better ones...

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