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Bottom post of the previous page:

Soonertimes posters wrote: Little Johnny Strikes Again
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a Development that is currently being built near your home and what are the Advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your Parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that Tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you All, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears Rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom." Everybody agreed to this plan.
Next day: Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't Have to walk so far to get bread and milk."
Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a Carpenter and this allows him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, Tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax girls... It hasn't opened yet!"

I once accidentally glued my hand to the back cover of my autobiography. No one believes me when I tell them that, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and just what exactly did he think he was doing at the time?

How come women don't need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

God tells Adam "I'm going to make a woman for you. She's going to be beautiful and sweet and loving. She'll never argue with you or raise her voice. She'll find complete fulfillment in meeting your every need and want."
Adam says "That sounds great! . . . But wait a minute . . . she sounds really expensive."
God replies "Hmmm, good point! A woman like that would probably cost an arm and a leg."
Adam thinks a minute and asks "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

A little kid catches his parents having sex and he asks his mother " why are you bouncing up and down on daddy?" Mom answers "it's to help him flatten his belly". The little kids responds " well that isn't going to help. The babysitter keeps blowing him back up"

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space.

Got a new thesaurus at the dollar store, but it's not very good. In fact, it's terrible! Not only that, it's also terrible!

I had a prof who accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

I started a business selling cold air balloons, but it never really took off.

Anyone need a new buddy? I'm asking for a friend.

Growing old is like frying bacon in the nude. You know it is going to hurt someplace, you just don't know where.

I never understood why I had to study algebra in school. It's not like I'm ever going to go there.

I developed a phobia about elevators. Now I take steps to avoid them.

The global warming folks claim that in 20 years, the only place we'll be able to see polar bears is in a zoo. So, same as now.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the room with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I couldn't sleep a wink and just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "That Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I ended up watching him all night long."
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "What happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night, and I slept like a baby!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

A British guy, a Frenchman, a pretty young woman, and an older woman are sharing a compartment on a train, when the train goes through a tunnel and it becomes completely dark. They all hear the sound of a juicy kiss followed by a sharp slap. When the train leaves the tunnel, the older woman thinks to herself "Good for that young lady! She didn't stand for one of those men taking advantage!" The British guy thinks "Lousy clever Frenchman! He kisses the girl, and I get slapped for it!" The young lady thinks "This is so insulting! One of those men kissed the old lady instead of me!" And the Frenchman thinks "What a good day! I got to kiss myself and slap a Brit!"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, he looped and rolled and did every daredevil trick he knew, but heard nary a word from the couple. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Man, I must have burned about 3,000 calories this morning.
That's the last time I take a nap with fudge brownies in the oven.

I'm reading a suspenseful story in Braille. I think something bad is about to happen, I can just feel it.

A woman divorced her cross-eyed husband. She found out he was seeing someone on the side.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: I bought a new comic book, but the last page was missing. So I had to draw my own conclusions.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I’ve managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I’m going to go back to when HE was a little boy and punch him and see how he likes it.

I can't get my new gun to work.
So now I'm reading the Trouble Shooting section in the manual.

I've done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.

When we first got married, my wife insisted I fix the toaster, because she assumed I would be good at that kind of stuff.
Boy, was she in for a shock!

Today I ran into a guy who, years ago in another city, sold me a miniature globe.
Small world.

How did Pharaoh get so rich?
Turns out he was running a huge pyramid scheme.

Sweden doesn't export cattle.
They like to keep their Stockholm.

I love my "dad chair."
My recliner and I go way back.

Our neighbor is a locksmith. We babysat his son last night at our place. As soon as we got in the house he made a bolt for the door.

Then there was the pirate who was so cheap that he bought all his hooks from the second hand store.

People always warned Grandpa that one day his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough, he was eaten by his pet lions.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin . . .

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
Guess I’ll have to find somewhere else to hide it.

I like the word “drool.”
It just sort of rolls off the tongue.

As my wife was applying a mud pack to her face, I made what I thought was a funny remark. Boy, did I get a dirty look!

I haven’t owned a watch in I don’t know how long.

I finally built a high-voltage electric fence around my property.
My neighbor is dead set against it.

The wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Bought a toilet brush today.
Gotta say, I really prefer the paper rolls.

I've repeatedly chased my cows out of the neighbor's marijuana field, but they keep returning to it.
It's a case of the pot calling the cattle back.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: Mountains always make me laugh.
I think they're hill areas.

Once worked as a garbage collector. They really didn't have any kind of training. I just had to pick it up as I went along.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank today, and if all goes well, I will be completely out of debt when it's over. I'm so excited I can hardly put on my ski mask.

A boy named Sue had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.
She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Sue's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Sue did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Sue took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Sue's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name!

"Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."

Roy Rogers was riding his horse back from town. He had just purchased a pair of expensive cowboy boots and was day dreaming about how they would look on him when a mountain lion jumped off a rock and knocked him off his horse. In the ensuing fight, Roy was clawed and scratched but the new boots wear torn to shreads and half-eaten by the big cat, who then ran off.
Furious, Roy mounted his horse and galloped to the ranch. He grabbed his WInchester and hunted the cat down and killed it. Roy put the carcass on the back of the horse and rode back to the ranch, thinking about making a rug out of the critter.
When he arrived, Dale Evans came out of the house singing, Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?

And if that pun wasn't bad enough , you can try this golden ditty out -


A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."

An oldie, but goodie from the Cotton Bowl in October.
Sooenr fan and Whorn fan were in the men's room at the Cotton Bowl.
After finishing up, the Sooner proceeds to walk out.
The WHorn hollers at him, with a smirk on his face:
"Don't they teach you to wash your hands after using the men's room in Norman?"
To which the Sooner replies:
"In Norman, they teach us not to pee on our hands."

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train engineer sees three idiots standing on the railroad track.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours a day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board. But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and once in a great while he sleeps with my wife."
"Really?! THAT'S the guy I want to talk to!" says the investigator.
"That IS the guy you're talking to." replied the rancher.

Took me 5 minutes to walk to the bar. Took me an hour to walk home.
The difference was staggering.

I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster!

They all laughed when I said one day I would discover the secret of invisibility.
If only they could see me now!

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4-5-6, 1-2-3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

DeLorean for sale. Excellent condition, low miles. Slight modifications.
Only driven from time to time.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

I really regret getting ketchup in my eyes.
But that's Heinz sight for you.

How is the Starship Enterprise like a roll of toilet paper?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

Which is heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water, because butane is lighter fluid.

What has 12 actors, 4 sets, 2 writers, and 1 plot?
100 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Took the grandkids to a bouncy house. It was a lot bigger and a lot more expensive than the ones they had when my kids were little. Guess that's mostly due to inflation.

Since we are playing the Cajuns
"Marie," Boudreaux whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?" "Mais, yeh, I guess," she replied. "Would you sleep in de same bed with him?" "Well, it's de only bed in de house, so I guess I'd have to." "Would you make love to him?" "Cher," Marie said patiently, "I guess, since he'd be my husband." "Would you give him my pickum-up truck?" "No, Boudreaux. I wouldn't never give him your pickum-up truck." she yawned, "Besides, he don't know how to drive a stick shift."

As a parent, I always worry about the safety of my children. Especially when they roll their eyes and talk back to me.

After seeing the new Star Wars movie, I tried Wookie meat for the first time. It was chewy.

Little known factoid - you can determine an ant's gender by putting it in a glass of Sprite or 7-Up. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: An elderly man, thinking his wife was losing her hearing, walked 20 feet behind her and said, "Can you hear me Sweetheart?"
No answer.
He moved up to 10 feet behind her and inquired again.
No answer.
He then moved up to 5 feet and inquired again.
No answer.
He moved up right next to her and said in her ear, "Can you hear me Sweetheart?"
She replied, "For the FOURTH time, YES!"

I heard that there will be a billion dollars worth of beer drank on Super Bowl Sunday. SO, I got up at dawn to do my part.

Old girlfriends are like algebra.
You look at your X and wonder Y.

My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters.
His sister Chewbacca, not so much.

I got tired of being bald, so I spent $5 on a cheap wig.
It was a small price toupee.

Today my wife said "It's Valentines Day! I'd like to go somewhere I haven't been in a long time."
I said "How about the kitchen?"

I gave a valentine to a girl who was a pastry chef.
She desserted me!

I was in the post office earlier this week, and saw a guy sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then he got out a bottle of perfume and sprayed it all over them. He must have had 500 envelopes.
So I asked him what he was doing, and he said he they were Valentine cards. I said, "You've got that many girlfriends?"
He said, "No, it's not that. I’m a divorce lawyer.”

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed places. For example, I need to go to Wal-Mart, but I fear it's closed.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar, and the rabbit says "I think I might be a typo."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank, and the rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”

Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians like to boo meringue.

Overheard at the Irish Rover Pub in Denver, March 14th this year. Two women are standing in line for the ladies restroom. First woman : why is the men's line just as long as ours? Second woman : I think the men are washing their hands.

At a AAA baseball game a few years back, a runner tried to steal 2nd base. The umpire raced over to get a good look at the play only to be beaned by an errant throw by the catcher.
Stunned, the umpire started to stagger toward 3rd base then turned and wobbled toward the pitcher's mound only to stumble toward 1st base. Halfway to 1st, he collapsed in a heap.
The announcer came over the ball park PA system and said, "Folks, who says you don't learn history at the ball park? You have just witnessed the fall of the roamin' umpire."

All of my friends have such ambitious bucket lists.
Mine is a little pail in comparison.

Whiteboards really are remarkable.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: I’ve been learning how to be an escape artist, but I've got a ways to go.
I need to get out more.

Virus precaution:
Be careful around any newspaper delivery people. I've heard they are carriers.

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller the police are looking for ?
she's a small medium at large

The other day I rear ended a car at the traffic light. A dwarf hopped out and said I'm not Happy ..
I said ok, which one are you?

I had fill a form out at the Dr office. One of the questions said 'Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness?'
I wrote No, they all seem to enjoy it.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired government agent with "a particular set of skills" searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but that idea was Taken.
Then I had an idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but that idea was Taken 2.

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian.

I'm in an origami class with Dwayne Johnson and he loaned me some supplies to cut with, and yet again, I don't where I put them.
I don't know why I always lose the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

I made a belt out of $100 bills.
My wife thinks it's a waist of money.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised, because I had always thought Australians liked to boo meringue.

Like the human voice, animal calls also echo. All except the pigeon. Its call does not bounce off hard surfaces. The reason is a coo sticks.

The Texas Quote of the Day:"John Pimble's mule, Anatasia, died last week. Anatasia was standing in a field of popping corn which, due to the heat, began popping and covered the ground to a depth of 3 feet. The mule, thinking the pop corn was snow, froze to death."----Texas Panhandle newspaper, Mobeetie, Texas, 1882

When people think of calculators they usually of think the buttons and the display.
But it’s what’s inside that counts.

I’m making a documentary series on how to fly a plane.
Right now we’re filming the pilot.

Presenting the racoon as the official mascot of 2020:
-washes its hands all the time
-always wears a mask
-rearrange the letters in racoon and it spells Corona!
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: Factoids
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A.Obsession

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One Thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the Year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Post by OU Guy »

Yes! My favorite thread! Thanks for taking time to reconstitute it!!!
In Brent I Trust :D
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Soonertimes posters wrote: What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, because the door is facing the wall.

Women, generally speaking, are generally speaking.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2020 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list [/img]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!
Then she added that I also often put apostrophes and extra spaces in words where they don't belong.

A vegan told me "A guy who sells meat is gross!"
I said, "A guy who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer."

I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

We all have about 2 minutes to live, but taking a breath resets that clock..
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: When Bruce Banner transforms into the Hulk, how is it that he always busts out of his shirt and his shoes, but his pants still fit?
Because the gamma rays altered his jeans.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. - Will Rogers

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club.
It was open Mike night.

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
This may come to a surprise to those of you not in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some parishioners at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to get the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then taken to the various casinos to be cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

We're touring the guillotine factory today, thought I'd give you a heads up. We'll beheading there shortly, so chop chop! If we're late, heads will roll!

Headline: Man who was shot over 200 times with upholstery gun is now fully recovered!

I went and got a massage, but don't think I'll be going back. That guy just rubbed me the wrong way.

I tried drag racing once, but I almost broke my ankles trying to run in those high heels.

Yes, yes, Thor is my brother, but I don't really like to talk about it.
I'm low-key.

I told my Dad that nobody is perfect, he should just embrace his mistakes.
He gave me a big hug.

No matter how nice your kids or grandkids are, German children are always kinder.

As I handed my Dad his 75th birthday card, he said "Thank you, but one would have been enough."

I can't stand our new stair-lift. It just drives me up the wall!

I built a snowman, but instead of being all round, it had a real 6-pack on its stomach.
It was an abdominal snowman.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

Why do chicken coops always have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

As I looked out from the edge of the cliff, drinking my milkshake, I thought "Wow, this is ledge 'n dairy!"

When is a joke worthy to go on Sooner Times?
When it's fully groan.

I bought a chair for my home office, one of those that you can spin in. My wife thought it was a waste of money, until she tried it out. Then she came around pretty quickly.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: My wife leads a double life - hers and mine.

The dirtiest, crummiest pub I've ever seen was a place in London called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

Rufus: My wife just ran off with the best friend I ever had.
Doofus: How long have you known him?
Rufus: Oh, I've never met him.

A guy walks into a bar in New Orleans and says "I'll have a Corona and two Hurricanes."
The bartender says "That's ($)20.20."

Was watching one of these spin-off talent shows "Dancing with the Tsars."
Catherine and Peter were great, but Ivan was terrible.

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat, and constant drooling, the dog seems to like her.

Grandpa always said “When one door closes, another door opens.”
Wonderful man. Terrible cabinet maker.

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

James Bond slept right through an earthquake.
He was shaken, not stirred.

My professor told me I’m failing my ethics class.
So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said “How about now?”

You should never yell into a colander. You'll strain your voice.

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see them later or after a while.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: A guy just hated his wife's cat. He'd finally had enough, so he took the cat in the car, drove a mile away, and let the cat go. By the time he got home, the cat was sitting on the front porch.
A couple of days later, the cat clawed up his shoes, so he grabbed it, drove 5 miles away, and tossed it out. When he got home, the cat was again sitting on the front porch waiting for him.
The next week, the cat threw up all over some important papers, so that Saturday, he took the cat, left early, drove over the mountains, through the desert, beyond the swamp, to the most remote, desolate place he could find, and dumped the cat.
Several hours later, he called his wife, and in a dejected, despondent voice, asked "Is the cat there?"
His wife said "Well, yes, he just came in. But he's all filthy, his fur is matted, he just looks terrible! I can't imagine where he's been. But . . . why did you ask if the cat was here?"
In a resigned, defeated voice, the guy said "Well, would you put him on the phone? I'm lost and need directions to get back home!"

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my head.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one old man and his re-seeding heirline.

I asked Grandpa, “After 65 years you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s your secret?"
He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago, I’m too scared to ask her.”

IKEA is so popular in it's home country that their CEO was recently elected president of Sweden.
He's still trying to put his cabinet together.

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many corny bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game.

My son built a model of Mt. Everest for a school project. I was pretty impressed, and I asked him "Is it built to scale?"
He got a puzzled expression and said "No, Dad, it's only made out of paper mache. It's just built to look at."

I'm so old, I can remember when Jake from State Farm was a white guy.

A poker player lost his lower arm in an accident and now has a prosthetic hand. He just can't deal with it.

Two birds watched as a turtle spent two hours climbing a tree, only to crawl out on a limb, jump off, and crash to the ground. Uninjured, the turle made the long climb back up the tree, out onto the branch, and again jumped and fell. Finally, one bird turned to the other and said, "Honey, don't you think it's time we told Bob he's adopted?"

I was mowing the lawn several years ago, and stepped backward and tripped, and pulled the mower up over the end of my foot. Cut off my big toe. My wife wanted to call an ambulance, but instead I just called a toe truck.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks "Is this stool taken?"

When my wife jumped into bed she discovered I had replaced it with a trampoline. And wow, she really hit the ceiling!

Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

When Grandpa died, we had him creamated and the remains placed in small hourglasses. Now he can still be a part of family game night.

The problem is not that being overweight runs in my family. The problem is that no one runs in my family.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: In honor of Star Wars Day:
Why did Episodes 4,5, & 6 come out before Episodes 1,2, & 3?
Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

Have you ever eaten Wookie veal?
It's a little Chewy.

What us Y.O.D.A. short for?
Because he has those little bitty stubby legs.

Just watched a documentary on how the DeathStar was built.
It was riveting.

Yoda: "Luke, I know what you're getting for your birthday.
I felt your presents,, Luke."

What is Obi-Wan's twin brother's name?
Obi-Too.

What do you call an invisible droid?
C-through PO.

When I first saw the Star Wars movies, I thought Chewbacca was some kind of giant Ewok.
Wookie mistake.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: Today somebody came by asking for a donation for the new community swimming pool. So I gave them a cup of water.

The past and the present walk into a bar and find the future waiting for them. It was a tense moment.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both "lefts," which on the one hand is great, but on the other hand, it’s just not right.

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

My favorite form of resistance training is refusing to go to the gym.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.
He asks a student, “Who is your father?”
The student replies, “The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father.”
Kim Jong beams. “Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?”
The student doesn’t hesitate. “The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilizations, she is our only mother.”
Kim Jong applauds. “What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you’re older?”
The student replies, “An orphan.”

My boss said, “This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?”
I said, “That today is Wednesday?”

I just got a vasectomy.
I was so looking forward to not having any more kids . . .
But when I got home, they were still there.

Yesterday some strangers surrounded me, knocked me unconscious, shoved a long foreign object up my behind, and filmed the whole thing.
Or as they insisted on calling it, a colonoscopy.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

This city boy's first experience with culture shock?
Probably that time I visited my uncle's farm and peed on the electric fence.

If you think eggplant is good, you should try literally any other food in the world; it’s much better.

The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

No dear, of course you’re not fat. You’re just . . . easy to see.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

I quit my scuba-diving class after the first lesson.
Deep down, I knew it wasn't for me.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised; she can't see.
Luckily I was close enough to smash the bee with my shovel.

What ever happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage?
He lost his case.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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Soonertimes posters wrote: A guy with a duck under his arm walks into the room where his wife is sitting and says "This is the pig I was telling you about."
His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"
He says "I was talking to the duck."

Research shows that men own more dogs than women.
Because it's illegal to own women.

When I was in high school, I tried out for the football team. The coach asked, "So. Do you think you could pass this football, son?" I said, "If I can swallow it, I can pass it."
So, anyway, my Friday nights were pretty much open.

Paleontologists have discovered the tibia of a dinosaur, that is believed to be the largest ever found. They're inviting everyone to a huge party to watch as it is uncovered and removed from the ground.
Yes, it's going to be quite a shindig.

Do they allow loud laughs in Hawaii or just a low ha?

I asked the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said “How flexible are you?”
I said “Well, I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

Had lunch with a buddy who's a competitive chess player. The restaurant had checkered tablecloths. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

My buddy said he really wanted to plant an apple tree, but his wife said no.
I told him to grow a pear.

Just sold my homing pigeon on ebay for the 23rd time.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

I was going to start on a diet, but I just have way too much on my plate right now.

I wasn’t particularly close to Grandpa when he died.
Which was lucky for me, because he was run over by a bus.

There are three unwritten rules for getting rich, and they work every single time:
1.
2.
3.

A limbo player walks into a bar . . . and was immediately out.

I was only about halfway through the horse when I realized I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

On average, humans have one breast and one testicle.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
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