Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

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Bottom post of the previous page:

"Are you familiar with Murphy's Law?"
"Sure - if something can go wrong, it will."
"Are you familiar with Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Mostly thinly sliced cabbage."

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident. He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..."
"Sir, please answer the question. Did you or did you not say you were fine?"
"Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..."
"Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer you were fine?"
The farmer turn to the judge and says, "Your honor, I am trying to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me."
The judge says "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant."
The farmer thanks him and begin, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town, with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer. As we cross an intersection, this big truck blows past the stop sign and smashes into us. The truck splits in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule is thrown into the other, and the truck just keeps going."
"Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket."
"I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot rang out, and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster."
"He says to me, sir, I am terribly sorry. Your mule was gravely injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. ... How are you?"

The bell-ringer for a church in a small village retired after many years on the job and they advertised for a new one. The ringing of the bell was an important tradition in the town, and one they took very seriously, and none of the applicants who tried out quite measured up to the high standards they desired. Finally a man with no arms shows up one day and says he wants to apply for the bell-ringing job. The minister is a little taken aback and says, “Well, no offense, but how can you even pull the ropes with no arms?” The guy just asks for a chance so the minister says OK. The guy climbs way up into the belfry of the bell tower and starts pushing the bell with his face. And whoa! It was beautiful! No one had ever heard the bell ring like that before. So he got the job and everyone was happy. He rang the church bell to summon people to church and for other important occasions. But one Sunday morning, as he was ringing the bell, a tremedous gust of wind comes along and blows him over the side. He falls to his death in front of the church door and the congregation comes rushing out. Brother Jedediah says “I never even got a chance to get to know him! What was his name?” And sweet little old Sister Grace says “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

So they bury the armless bell-ringer and advertise for a new one. Alas, no one even comes close to their now even higher expectations. Then the minister answers the door and it’s the armless bell-ringer! The guy says no, he was his twin brother. They were identical twins and were both born without arms, and learned to ring bells together, and his deceased brother had told him about his new job, and he would like to carry on his brother’s work. The minister says if he can play anything at all like his brother, then absolutely, so the guy climbs up into the belfry and sure enough, he rings the bell just like his brother had and it’s beautiful and everyone is happy again. Until one Sunday morning he is ringing the bell and a tremendous gust of wind blows him over the side and he falls to his death. The congregation rushes out and gathers around shouting things like “Not again!” and Brother Jedediah says “I never had a chance to get to know this one either. What was his name?” And Sister Grace says “I don’t know his name, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

If Will Smith got lost, how would you find him?
Look for the fresh prints.

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
He couldn't control his pupils

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de brie.

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Why did the young doctor close his new practice instead of giving it time to grow?
He didn't have enough patience.

A lady said she recognized me from vegetarian club.
But I'm sure I've never met herbivore.

When I'm feeling nostalgic, I like to drive my car in reverse. It really takes me back.

My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

Did you hear about the lady who backed into an airplane propeller?
Disaster

Why do Norwegian military ships have bar codes on the hulls?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

This year I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute, because it's my 32nd birthday.

Old girlfriends are a lot like algebra - sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year. He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.
Guess he was embarrassed.

How come you can't run through a busy campground?
Because you can only ran, since it's always past tents.

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a Texas highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.
He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”
She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
“Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so a
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a darn thing.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire sucks blood only at night.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In a cemetery.

How do you know when it is really cold? It’s the only time when lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-feeding, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic dumps? New Jersey had first choice.

A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank.
She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank.
The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?" The old lady replies, "I make bets."
The president then asks, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman says, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughs the president, "That's ridiculous -- you can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenges, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK. I'll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we'll see."
The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. "OK," she says, "Time to drop your pants and settle this bet."
The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and asks if she could feel them. "Well, OK," says the bank president, "since there's so much money on the line."
Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replies, "I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? " Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Old lady.
Old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."

I took pictures of some waving wheatfields, but they all turned out really grainy.

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

Cooter asked the preacher to pray for his hearing. So he put his hands on Cooter's ears and prayed. Then he asked Cooter how his hearing was. "I don't know" Cooter replied. "It's not till next Tuesday."

I called to reserve some study time at the library, but they were completely booked.

I wanted to watch the World Origami Championship on TV, but it was only on paper view.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

A painter was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this down and again walked over to the window and yelled, "Green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down and once again walked to the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
The lady then let her curiosity get the best of her and asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up' like that?"
"I'm sorry," said the painter. "I have a crew of Oklahoma State graduates laying sod across the street."

Q. What's the difference between a Oklahoma State University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q: Why do Oklahoma State fand go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under are not admitted.

Q: Why do Oklahoma State grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

I just started a band called 1023 Megabytes. We don't have a gig yet.

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I used to be overweight.
Still am, but I used to be too.

A guy tried to get on a plane holding two dead opossums. But the attendant said "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

The new minister in town attended his first meeting at the local toastmaster's club, and was asked to give an impromptu speech. Not wanting to sound too "preachy," he gave a funny talk about sex. When he got home, his wife asked how things went. Afraid she might think he had been inappropriate, he fibbed and said he had given a talk about water skiing.
The next day a lady who had attended the meeting saw the preacher's wife at the grocery store, and remarked what a humorous talk he had given. She then added playfully "Sounded like he was pretty experienced!" The wife was puzzled and said "Not really. He's only tried it twice. The first time he kept falling off and the second time his hat blew away!"

How do you recognize a "dad joke"?
It's always apparent.

My friend thinks he is so smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

An old Spinster called the Vet and asked hime to come over and check her cat. The vet obliged and came to examine the cat. After a couple of quick tests, the vet told the lady that there was nothing wrong with her cat, she was just pregnant.
The Spinster said that was impossible, she never let the cat go outside.
Just then a tom comes sauntering into the front room. The vet said, "What about him?"
The Spinster replied, "WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! That is her brother!"

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, now you want me to stay?"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

The doctor said I could never have children. I said "That's inconceivable!"

At any given moment, the urge to break out singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

I was in Arizona and it was so hot I got sick to my stomach . . . but at least it was a dry heave.

Good friends are like fine wine. That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.

The guy who invented the TV remote recently died. He was found at home between the couch cushions.

My dad was a conjoined twin. We use to refer to his brother as my uncle on my father's side.

It's OK, they were surgically separated. Now he's my uncle once removed.

Grandpa was illiterate. He always judged a book by its cover.

I just read a book about bankruptcy. It started with Chapter 11.

I took my kids to a zoo for handicapped animals. Their favorites were the bipolar bears.

My wife has a single painful callus on her foot. She has her very own unicorn.

I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster. Instead, he just seemed more sluggish.

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Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 12-year-old Scotch. Bartender tries to fool him with some cheap Scotch. He drinks it, and says, "This is some cheap bar scotch...I want 12-year-old Scotch." Bartender gives him a shot of 6-year-old Scotch, but our Scotch expert is not fooled. "I want 12-year-old Scotch! Not 6, not 8, not 9 year old stuff!" Bartender gives him finally the 12-year-old stuff, our Scotch snob says, "Thank you, sir...very smooth."
Drunk at the end of the bar walks over and says, "Pretty good...but tell me what this is." The guy takes the glass and drinks the concoction. He nearly gags and says, "This tastes like urine!" The drunk said, "Well anybody could tell that, but how old am I?"

My wife puts on her jogging suit whenever she goes jogging. She puts on her swimsuit whenever she goes swimming. I'm a little concerned, because she just put on her windbreaker.

A guy stops a man at a Vegas casino. He says, “Hey buddy, can you give me $5,000?”
The man asks, “What for?”
“My mother needs an operation to regain her eyesight.”
The man asks, “How do I know you won’t just take this money and spend it at the casino?”
"Oh, no, I've got plenty of gambling money . . .”

A guy threw his drink and hit me in the head. I'm just glad it was a soft drink and not hard liquor.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. The bartender says "Have a seat, but don't start anything."

Somebody broke into the drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police are on the lookout for a hardened criminal.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water!"
I know he means well.

Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.

I got an email from Google Earth saying it can “read maps backwards” and I thought “That’s just spam.”

What lays on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Did you hear about the magician who fell through the floor during a performance?
He was just going through a stage.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed more space.

These two women with heavy accents were talking, and I said "Are you ladies from Ireland?" One said "It's Wales, dummy!"
So I said, "Sorry, are you whales from Ireland?" I don't really remember what happened after that.

I asked my wife if she wanted a new pearl necklace for her birthday. She said nothing would make her happier.
So I got her nothing. You just can't please women.

When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep like my uncle the cab driver.
Not yelling and screaming like his fare.

I finally found the perfect exercise for me. It's called a diddly-squat.
Sometimes I exercise all day long now, just doing diddly-squat.

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I trained all my pet rabbits to get in a row and walk backward. I have a receding hareline.

I really like the rotation of the earth - it just makes my day.

A guy goes to a party dressed as a mushroom. The host says "This isn't a costume party. You can't come in dressed like that." He says "Why not? I'm a fungi."

Why did the nun sleepwalk? Because she was a roamin' Catholic.

Once I had to apologize via telegraph. I sent it in remorse code.

First time I met my wife she was wearing netting over her face and huge thick gloves. I knew right then and there she was a keeper.

By the way, if anyone here on the board is any good at fixing broken locks, my door is always open.

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.

A stoner guy at work used my "To Do" list to roll a joint.
He's now high on my list of priorities.

Accordion to a recent study, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

A slice of lemon meringue is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

People say smoking will give you diseases. But how is that possible when it cures salmon?

I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I was once lost in the desert. There was nothing to eat but the sand which is there.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a fullcolor 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves" says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he tries to fit it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep... Now give me back my dog."

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"I just saw a wolf!" "Where?"
"No, the regular kind."

I've been talking to everyone I meet about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.

I shoplifted a kitchen utensil. I could have been caught, but it was a wisk I was willing to take.

What do you say to comfort a friend who is struggling with grammar?
There, their, they're.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

100 years ago, everyone owned horses and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.

My brother lost his job at the cemetery after burying someone in the wrong space.
It was a grave mistake. (There's a big plot hole in that story.)

Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter.
Swarm.

Growing up on the farm, I used to take care of our roosters and hens.
I was literally a chicken tender.

The inventor of the USB stick died.
Thanks for the memory.

My wife and I went canoeing. She held up the two paddles and asked which one I wanted.
I said I'd take either/oar.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (Only a fraction of people will find that funny).

A clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.

Sometimes, truth is yet more silly. When I first moved to Oklahoma in the eighth grade, I had never been in public school or in a school which had any form of athletics. I looked at the schedule of the county basketball tournament (they had them back then) and saw Bye. Not having been to Bye, I asked where it was. I had never heard the term.

Here’s a list of jokes I use for Bible Studies and conference talks. They are pretty funny, and one day I saw a lady laughing so hard — tears were running down her leg.

An old Maine farmer got pulled over by a Maine state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was writing, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies." So the old Maine farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's rear." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

I don't like insect puns. They really bug me.

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One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 9-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

11 people --- one woman and 10 men --- are stuck on an island in the middle of a rising flood. An emergency helicopter arrives and drops a rope. All 11 grab on, but the helicopter can’t handle the weight. The pilot yells down, “Someone is going to have to let go or we are all going to do down.” The woman immediately begins to talk expressing things about submission that women always make sacrifices. “Therefore,” she continued, “I will gladly be the one to let go.” A statement at which the men immediately responded with a round of applause.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The First boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A golfer set up his first ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead, and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming, and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. “Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!” I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!" I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "For heavens sake, I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Jesus and Moses are playing golf with an old man. Moses hits a tee shot, and it plops right into the middle of the water hazard. He touches the water with his club, the water parts, and he hits his next shot. Jesus hits his tee shot right into the middle of the same pond. But the ball floats, and Jesus walks out onto the water and hits his next shot. The old man also hits his tee shot right into the middle of the pond. But just before it hits the water, a fish jumps out of the water and grabs the ball in its mouth. And just before the fish falls back in the water, a pelican swoops down and grabs the fish in its beak. As the pelican flies over the hole, the fish sticks his head out the pelican's mouth and spits the ball into the cup for a hole in one. Moses looks at Jesus and says "I hate playing golf with your Dad."

[Triple Option]

As Mom was preparing pancakes for her sons, Johnny, 5, and Alex, 3, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The Mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson. She said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Johnny quickly turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Alex, you be Jesus!"

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football".....WOW - John Heisman
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama
" It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me " He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC "
If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week . The other half will have to dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former UCLA football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

SEC teams get their mid-season report cards:

The feathers at the end of a bird's wing are called flight feathers, or pinion feathers. A crow has 16 pinion feathers, while a raven has 17. So it turns out the difference between a crow and a raven is really just a matter of a pinion.

[Triple Option]

Within minutes, the detective solved the mystery by figuring out exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

Studies show dairy cows produce more milk when the farmer sings to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

I have a weird talent that's handy this time of year - I can always identify what's inside a wrapped present.
It's a gift.

I finally finished making a coffee table out of a used tire. It took a Good year.

A writer was found guilty of not using enough periods. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Poop jokes aren’t my favorite, but they’re a solid number two.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

My wife gave birth to our baby boy while I was driving her to the hospital, so I named him Carson.

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says "Oh no! Not U2 again!"

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: (thinking hard) I'm pretty sure you need two i's . . .
Cyclops: (puts pen down) My whole life is just a joke to you, isn't it Linda!

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.

In case anyone's interested, I have some dead batteries, free of charge.

I'm developing a course to help very young children learn basic math. It's called Making the Little Things Count.

Last time I went to the doctor, he told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.

Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

Just rented a limousine for $300 and then discovered that the fee does not include a driver.
Can’t believe I spent all that money and now have nothing to chauffeur it.

Pat: I had to shoot my dog!
Mike: Was he mad?
Pat: He wasn't happy!

Where were the first French Fries made?
In Grease!

My wife treats me like a piece of meat. Unfortunately, she's a vegan, which means she won't touch me.

[Triple Option]

How do football players keep cool during the game?
They stand close to the fans.

I left two Texas football tickets on my dash board yesterday
Someone smashed my front window and left two more!

Why don't grasshoppers like football?
They prefer Cricket!

Why do NFL teams have so many players on the disabled list?
Because then they can park the bus in a handicapped space.

Old QBs never die!
They just pass away.

Honey, I told you I loved football, but that was during the strike!

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.”

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

The worst part about politics is that you’re always right and no one ever knows it.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason: they’re both full of crap.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid will fit inside the barrel of the cannon."

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

What do we want? TIME TRAVEL!
When do we want it? That's kind of irrelevant . . .

[Triple Option]

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders two shots of whiskey. He and the giraffe each toss one back. The man says to keep 'em coming. After a number of rounds the giraffe passes out and collapses onto the floor. The man gets up and is heading to the door when the bartender yells "Hey, are you just going to leave that lyin' there?"
The man says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

What's the difference between a run-down public transportation building and a lobster with breast implants?
Well, one is a crusty bus station . . .

In the hospital delivery room, they keep the blankets in a warmer, so when they lay them across the mother-to-be the blanket is already at womb temperature.

I read that if coral gets stressed, it can die. I thought "What does coral even get stressed about?"
Turns out, same as us - current events.

I saw a snooty cat burglar who only stole the fanciest gems going down the fire escape.
It was a condescending con descending.

Abraham Lincoln was the highest-character president we've ever had.
He's the only one who was actually in-a-cent.

How does an Eskimo build a house?
Igloos it together.

Why women live longer than men...
[url]

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

My aunt Millie died at my 10th birthday party. It really shook me up. I mean, I still like to have birthday parties, but now I'm a lot more careful about what I wish for.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, on a bike he had just bought with his graduation money. And I could just have his motorcycle.

An 89 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor replied "That's kind of what I'm getting at . . ."

Never apologize! Never explain!
Sorry, but that's my motto.

When the doctor told me I'd never be able to talk again, I was speechless!

I was against organ donation until I was the one who needed the transplant.
Then I had a change of heart.

Did you hear about the two chimps who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.

[Triple Option]

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. Czech one too.

My wife got tired of my constant wordplay jokes, but I told her I didn't know how to stop.
“Whatever means necessary” she replied.
I said “No it doesn’t.”

Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter.
Which is disappointing, because he had a great fall.

Wasn't feeling well earlier, but went ahead and grilled up some hot dogs and brats. My neighbor, who raises birds, smelled them, and said he'd trade me a bird for one of the brats. I said sure. I guess it was a bad idea, because I took a tern for the wurst.

I went bald years ago, but I still carry around my favorite old comb. I just can't part with it.

Was at the beach one day and the terns were really bothering us so we started throwing stones at them. Believe me no stones were left unterned

Sort of like the guy who got his kicks from pouring beer in a pan for the birds at the beach. The barley or something in the beer attracted them, and they guzzled it down, and were flopping around on the beach drunk. No tern was left unstoned.

Who was the heftiest knight at King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference, because he ate too much pi.

A pizza has a radius z and thickness a. Its volume is pizza (or pi*z*z*a)

What do you get when divide the moon's circumference by it's diameter?
Pi in the sky.

An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion.

The old farmer was hosting a party for his son who had returned from college. He quieted the guests and turned to his son and said, "I have paid slave and scrimped all my life so you could get an education, so say something smart they taught you."
The boy replied PI R squared.
The old farmer became very red in the face and start cursing. Then he bitterly spit out "I spent so much money on that school and they teach you that? Everyone knows pie are round, cornbread are square!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a bar and order a beer. It's sort of a dive, there are flies buzzing everywhere, and sure enough, when they get to their table, they all have a fly in their beer.
The Englishman pushes his glass away and says "That's bloody disgusting! I'm not drinking that lot."
The Scotsman plucks the fly out and flicks it away and takes a big drink and says "Oond sshe sstill tastes joost ash ssweet!"
The Irishman plucks out his fly, then shakes it over his glass and says "Go on with you nooow ya little mooch. Spit it ooowt! SPIT It OOOWT!"

Was taking a broccoli casserole to the church potluck when we had a flat tire with no way to fix it.
Should have brought asparagus.

For Dr. Who fans
My wife and I got into an argument about the Tardis. At first it seemed like such a small thing, but then turned into something much bigger once we got into it.

Don't mean to brag or anything, but my fifth grade daughter is already rolling her eyes at a high school level.

I've started a new exercise program. It consists of jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, carrying things too far, dodging responsibility, and pushing my luck. Then I usually have to rest my case for a while.

[Triple Option]

I have been told that choking on Gummy Bears is the same as being choked by a real bear. True?

My wife screamed "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?"
I thought "That's a strange way to start a conversation."

My wife is always talking about how I have absolutely no sense of direction. The other day I got so annoyed I finally just right the room.

Cooter enlisted in the army.
The first morning, they issued him a comb. That afternoon, the army barber shaved his head.
The second morning, they issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, the army dentist pulled 4 of his teeth.
The third morning, they issued him a jockstrap. The army has been looking for Cooter ever since.

People in Athens hate mornings, because Dawn is tough on Greece.

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor. However, the security guard realized that I was not the real McCoy.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

People who use selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer. Apparently, we just got off Route 142."

It's difficult to say what my wife does with her time. Because she sells seashells by the seashore.

I saw my ex on the far side of a large museum hall, but I didn't say anything to her. There was just too much history between us.

A cement truck collided with a prisoner transport bus, and several inmates escaped. Local residents are urged to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

I used to live in an apartment with three beautiful women.
Until they found me.

Turns out Oregon leads the US in both clinical depression and marital infidelity. It's a sad state of affairs.

[Triple Option]

Little Johnny Strikes Again
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a Development that is currently being built near your home and what are the Advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your Parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that Tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you All, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears Rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom." Everybody agreed to this plan.
Next day: Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't Have to walk so far to get bread and milk."
Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a Carpenter and this allows him to work near home."
Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Johnny, Tell me, what new development is being built near your home?"
Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax girls... It hasn't opened yet!"

I once accidentally glued my hand to the back cover of my autobiography. No one believes me when I tell them that, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and just what exactly did he think he was doing at the time?

How come women don't need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

God tells Adam "I'm going to make a woman for you. She's going to be beautiful and sweet and loving. She'll never argue with you or raise her voice. She'll find complete fulfillment in meeting your every need and want."
Adam says "That sounds great! . . . But wait a minute . . . she sounds really expensive."
God replies "Hmmm, good point! A woman like that would probably cost an arm and a leg."
Adam thinks a minute and asks "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

A little kid catches his parents having sex and he asks his mother " why are you bouncing up and down on daddy?" Mom answers "it's to help him flatten his belly". The little kids responds " well that isn't going to help. The babysitter keeps blowing him back up"

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space.

Got a new thesaurus at the dollar store, but it's not very good. In fact, it's terrible! Not only that, it's also terrible!

I had a prof who accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

I started a business selling cold air balloons, but it never really took off.

Anyone need a new buddy? I'm asking for a friend.

Growing old is like frying bacon in the nude. You know it is going to hurt someplace, you just don't know where.

I never understood why I had to study algebra in school. It's not like I'm ever going to go there.

I developed a phobia about elevators. Now I take steps to avoid them.

The global warming folks claim that in 20 years, the only place we'll be able to see polar bears is in a zoo. So, same as now.