Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

[Triple Option]

Bottom post of the previous page:

I hate those little Russian dolls . . . they're so full of themselves.

I finally got around to reading that Stephen Hawking book the other day. I figured it was about time.

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

Conjunctivitis.com - now there’s a site for sore eyes.

One time I saw a baseball, and I couldn’t figure out why it seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. Suddenly it hit me.

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

A short psychic broke out of jail. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

I went to a bookstore and asked the lady for a book about turtles. She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little wrinkled heads.”

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away, a king and his wife longed for a baby, but alas, they remained childless. So they got a kitten. They enjoyed it so much they got another, and another, and then a puppy, and more puppies, and soon there were cats and dogs running all over the palace. The king and queen were so enamored of their pets they kept acquiring more – rabbits and chickens and pigs and sheep and then a calf and then a fawn and soon there were animals everywhere, traditional pets but also barnyard animals like horses and cows and even wild animals – deer and turkeys and ducks and geese and well, you get the idea. The palace was a mess and it smelled horrible and they became a laughingstock among all the other kingdoms. Finally the people had enough, and since the king and queen refused to give up their animals, the people revolted and kicked them out and anointed a new king and queen with higher standards of cleanliness. It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of game.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece-suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other
And so they haggled before the king, until he demanded silence.
"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in halve.
Each of you shall receive a half."
"Fine. Sound good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A retired farmer who lived next to a state highway was sitting on his porch early one morning, when a state highway truck parked down the road. The driver got out of the truck, walked to the edge of the ditch, dug a hole, then got back into the truck. Another guy got out of the truck, walked to the hole, filled it back in, and then returned to the truck. The driver then moved the truck 50 feet up the road, and the process repeated itself. This went on all morning.
When they got up even with his house, the farmer walked out and asked them what was going on. “You get out and dig a hole, and then you get out and fill it in.”
The driver looked a little sheepish, and replied, "Well, we're part of a state highway beautification project. The problem is, the guy who's supposed to put the tree in the hole is home sick today."

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I get No Respect no Respect at all... My parents moved around alot when I was kid, but I always found them.

I tried out for the part of Mr T on the A-team. They said to blow up a bus.. I burned my lips on the exhaust pipe ...

My wife called me she said honey the car won't start, I think the engines flooded. So I ask her where's the car. She answers in the lake.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

I tell ya I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape, ya know . . .

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I told my doctor "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait 'till it gets warmer."

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump next Tuesday.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

I dated a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife’s a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo.

Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said "No, but I did get the license number".

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, she's still holding the gun and the floor’s still wet.”

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love every day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. He's by far the happiest guy in the room. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the husband says, “I love you.”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks his wife.
“It’s me,” he replies, “talking to the wine.”

My wife says I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

The burial service for a . . . um . . . strong-willed elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her long-suffering husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she’s there."

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the woman inside alive! She leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the husband of the deceased leaps to his feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

A couple were having a discussion: in the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on their lives, what stars would they want to portray them?
"Who would you pick to portray you?" the man asked his wife.
She thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Salma Hayek."
"In that case," he said, "I’ll play myself."

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a bag of rice."

Did you hear about the egotistical male lion whose females got tired of his bullying and turned on him?
It was his pride that did him in.

I came across this hooker who said she'd do anything I wanted for a $100. So I took her home and then I even offered to pay her double but she still wouldn't paint my house.

Behind every successful man is a surprised wife.

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Ms. Patrica Whack worked as a loan officer at the local bank.
One afternoon, a frog hopped in and asked for a loan. Perplexed, Ms. Whack asked the frog's name, which the frog replied Jagger.
'Like the rock star, Mick Jagger?' asked Patty. The frog replied, yes. In fact he is my father.
Interesting, she said, but you need some collateral for the loan. To which the frog put a small curio on her desk.
Not knowing what to do, she called the manager over and explained what had happened thus far, which she ended her comments with - I asked for collateral and he put this on my desk. I don't even know what this is.
To which the boss replied -
It is a Knick-Knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone

A Texas rancher is entertaining his cousin from Rhode Island. To no one’s surprise, the Texan gets to bragging and says “I can get in my car at daylight and drive all day, and still not reach the other side of my ranch by nightfall.” His cousin nods gravely and says “I know just what you mean. I used to have a car like that.”

A senior citizen goes in for a physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks loudly, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "Give him your underwear!"

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"?
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari!"

OU Chinaman goes to a bar.........
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?
"No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little kiffin"

A man was very ill. He was going in and out of a coma, and his wife stayed at his bedside every day. One day, he motioned to her to come a little closer. He said, “My dear love, you’ve been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here — and when my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” His wife leaned in closer to hear his words, and he said, “I think you’re bad luck.”

We use to have Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.
Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.

One-armed waiters - they can take it, but they can't dish it out.

Did you hear about the shiftless transsexual? His only goals in life were to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Doctor - "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to have a disease named after you."

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I asked Grandpa how much “a couple” was. He said, “Oh, two or three.” And he wonders why his marriage didn’t work out.

I decided to live by the motto “My enemy’s enemy is my friend.” Unfortunately, my enemy is such a train wreck that he’s his own worst enemy, so now I have to invite the jerk to BBQs.

A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken. Which is what gave me the courage to do it.

I recently visited Jerusalem, and so I'm at the Wailing Wall . . . standing there . . . like a moron . . . with my harpoon . . .

I'm sure wherever Grandpa is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, he’s just very condescending.

“. . . Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”

Two pirates, Morgan (a captain) and Roger (a jolly fellow), meet in a bar. Roger has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg.
“Egads, matey,” says Morgan. “What happened to ya?”
Roger says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Morgan.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“Aye,” says Roger. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. It’s the only decent thing to do once you’ve hit them.

I used to supply file folders to the Mafia - I was involved in very organized crime.

For his 100th birthday, a man’s friends hire a, um, working girl to entertain him. She walks into his room and says “I’m here to give you super sex!”
He says, “OK, I’ll have the soup.”

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let's make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.

When I die, I hope to pass peacefully in my sleep like my uncle the cab driver. Not yelling and screaming like his fare.

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looking image, walks into an up-scale cocktail lounge. Seated in the bar is elderly lady, about mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me , do I come here often?"

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Remember Professor Irwin Corey?
When asked about the meaning of life he replied: “One of the things that you've got to understand is that we've got to develop a continuity in order to relate to exacerbate those whose curiosity has not been defended, yet the information given can no longer be used as allegoric because the defendant does not use the evidence which can be substantiated by." Then he asked, "What was the question?”

I’ll never forget the first time I saw her, standing up on that hill, silhouetted in the sunlight, hair blowing in the wind — and her too proud to run and get it.

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A frugal Scottish widow goes to the newspaper to take out an obituary notice for her late husband.
“How much?” she asks the fellow behind the counter.
“One dollar per word,” he says.
She says, “Make it ‘MacGregor died.’ ”
He says, “It’s a five-word minimum.”
She nearly faints but collects herself. “Very well, make it ‘MacGregor died. Car for sale.’ ”

A guy boards an airplane carrying two dead ‘possums. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

One atom says to another, "I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, put they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired ol’ Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving once again that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

And then there was the Buddhist who walked up to the hot dog stand and said “Make me one with everything!”

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which made the soles of his feet very tough. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of falling from heights.

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken.

One of the differences between men and women.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
(This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

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While two fellas’ girlfriends go shopping one Saturday afternoon, their boyfriends, who do not know each other, dog sit the girls two dogs. It comes time to take them out for a walk. It is a hot sunny day, and the sun is beating down on these two fellas. They walk a couple of blocks, and one of them spies a bar on the other side of the street.
“Hey, lets go over there a get a nice cold beer. It will taste great after walking in this heat.”
“No can do. We have the dogs, and everybody knows that we can’t that them into the bar with us.”
“That isn’t a problem. We can tie their leases to the light pole in front of the bar.”
“Nope, someone will take them, and my plans to marry my girlfriend are out the window if something happens to this dog.”
“Ok. I have a plan. Stand at the door and just follow my lead.”
The first fella walks into the bar, and the second one watches while holding the door ajar.
“HEY YOU! NO DOGS ALLOWED! GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!”
“But I am blind, and this is my seeing eye dog.”
“Look, I am sorry. I did not know. Bring that German Shepard over here to the bar and let me buy you a beer.”
So, the second guy waits a couple of minutes and walks inside with his girlfriend’s dog in tow.
“HEY YOU! NO DOGS ALLOWED! GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!”
“But I am blind, and this is my seeing eye dog.”
“Come on man. Everybody knows that there aren’t any Chihuahua seeing eye dogs.”
“CHIHUAHUA! YOU MEAN THEY GAVE ME A FRICKNG CHIHUAHUA?!?!?!”

In light of this week's events . . . posted the week Bob Stoops retired
Bob Stoops did it his way, and Frank Sinatra sang about it.
Bob Stoops let the dogs out.
Bob Stoops can talk about Fight Club.
Bob Stoops found the 404 page.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer is Bob Stoops.
Bob Stoops can count his chickens before they hatch.
Bob Stoops doesn’t dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.
Bob Stoops knows Victoria’s secret.
When Bob Stoops visited Paris, France surrendered.
Bob Stoops once arm-wrestled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear outside his pants.
Bob Stoops keeps a diary. It’s known as the Guinness Book of World Records.
Bob Stoops once went skydiving, but the chute didn’t open. He immediately went and got his money back.
There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Unless that milk belonged to Bob Stoops.
Bob Stoops CAN make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Bob Stoops.
Bob Stoops can believe it’s not butter.
Bob Stoops can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Bob Stoops’ cat has 10 lives.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Bob Stoops.
Bob Stoops has a little sister. Her name is Chuck Norris.

The tragedy of Canada is that they could have had American technology, British culture, and French cuisine. Instead, they wound up with American culture, British cuisine, and French technology!

Why does the new French navy have glass-bottomed boats?
So they can see the old French navy.

Why aren't VISA cards used in France?
Because they don't know how to Charge!

What's the new French flag look like?
A white cross emblazoned on a white background.

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.” - Jed Babbin

My Grandmother visited France last year, She was sitting on a park bench and pulled out a pair of nail clippers and a whole battalion of French soldiers surrendered to her.

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar carrying a bucket of asphalt and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

I cleaned the attic with my wife yesterday. We still haven't gotten all the cobwebs out of her hair.

A truckload of tortoises was hit by a trainload of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

MY WIFE IS PREGANT!!!
OMG!!! I will kill that cat responsible!!
MY WIFE IS PREGANT AGAIN!!!
OMG!!! I killed the wrong guy!

Recently, I was looking for a birthday card for my sister-in-law who was turning 60.
I found one that was too true to be funny -
The outside read:
At my age , my body is like a fine-tuned racing car.
The inside read -
Every part needs a specialist.

They’ve opened a Starbucks on the moon. The coffee is still good, but there’s just no atmosphere at all.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket . . . you can hide but you can't run.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that would just be nuts.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Everything’s fine, he woke up.

The lady at the furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

Women only call me ugly till they find out how much money I make. Then they call be ugly and poor.

Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.

My wife said I was acting like a child. I told her to get out of my fort.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

A guy was bringing so many fish out of the lake that the local game warden knew he was up to something. So one day just as the guy is about to cast off, the game warden jumps in his boat and says “I think I’ll come with you today.” The guy doesn’t say anything and heads out to a remote area of the lake. He pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and throws it as far as he can. It goes off and fish start floating to the surface. The guy pulls out a net and heads that way. The warden is flabbergasted, not quite able to believe the guy’s sheer audacity. He finally splutters “You can’t do that! It’s completely illegal! You head back in right now! You’re in so much trouble!” The guy reaches down and pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it, tosses it to the game warden and says “You gonna talk, or you gonna fish?”

Why did the Pilgrims' pants fall down a lot?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.

Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

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Cross-country skiing is only a good idea if you live in a really small country.

I got a great deal on a house at the end of a one-way dead-end road. But now I can't leave.

I got food poisoning today. I haven’t decided yet when I'll use it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

I was watching a Hispanic magician. He said he would disappear on the count of 3. He said "Uno, dos, . . ." and then POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

I used to tell some jokes about unemployed people. But none of them seemed to work.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

I was painting the house when it turned cold. So I put on another coat.

A blind man walks into a bar. And into a table, and into a chair, . . .

A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?"

What happened when the ship carrying mostly red paint with some blue paint crashed on the island?
The entire crew was marooned.

The angel said - "but Lord, if you make it rain 40 days, mankind will not survive." God said, "it's OK, I Noah guy."

My wife asked me to hand her the lip balm. I handed her the super glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

I've spent the past two years looking for my mother-in-law's killer, but no one will do it.

A guy is driving down the street and sees a sign in a yard “Talking Dog for Sale - $10.” He’s amused, and so he figures he’ll play along with the gag, and stops and goes to the front door and asks what's the deal with the sign. The guy says the dog is in the back yard, and the best way to explain it is to just go talk to him.
So he walks around to the back of the house, where a dog is dozing in the shade. He says “Hey pooch!” The dogs opens his eyes and says “Hey, how ya doing?” The guy is astonished, and says “You really CAN talk! This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Why aren’t you on TV? Why aren’t you on tour? This is incredible!” The dog sighs and says, “Well, I did all that, TV tours, late-night talk shows, headlining a Vegas show, I even had my own sitcom for a while. I’m surprised you don’t recognize me. But there was also the being poked and prodded by scientists, and being gawked at all the time, and I just got tired of it. I prefer the simple life.”
The guy is in shock, so he goes back around to the front door and talks to the owner again. “That’s the most amazing dog in the world! He’s world famous! Why would you sell him for $10?” The owner says “Because, he is such a liar! He’s never done any of that stuff he always brags about! He’s lived in my back yard his whole life!”

So, a friend of mine had a rough day. First, his ex-wife got ran over by a bus. Then, that very same day, he got fired from his job as a bus driver!

My girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[Triple Option]

An Oklahoma fan and a Texas fan went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's that Texas partner of yours?"
"He had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left him laying out there and carried the deer back!?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal him."

Q: How many University of Texas freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: Why is Oklahoma so windy?
A: Cuz Kansas blows and Texas SUCKS

Q: What's the difference between the Texas football team and a box of Rice Krispies?
A: Rice Krispies make it to a bowl.

Coach Mike Gundy is invited to a grade school to speak to the kids. When he arrives, the teacher says, "Welcome Coach Gundy! Today is vocabulary day, and we are talking about the word 'tragedy'."
"Excellent!" Coach Gundy says. "Who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little boy in the front row raises his hand, and Coach Gundy calls on him. "Give me an example of a tragedy." The little boy says, "Well... if my friend is playing in the field, and his dad runs over him with a tractor, that would be a tragedy."
"Well, no not exactly." Coach Gundy says. "Actually, we would call that an 'accident'. Now who else can give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little girl raises her hand, and Coach Gundy calls on her. "Give me an example of a tragedy." The girl says, "Well... if a bus load of school kids goes over a cliff and they all die, that would be a tragedy."
"No" Coach Gundy responds. "Actually, we would call that a 'big loss'. Who ELSE can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Little Johnny in the back row raises his hand, and Coach Gundy calls on him. "Give me an example of a tragedy." Little Johnny says, "Well, if you and the OSU football team was flying back home after a game, and a ground-to-air missile hit the plane and blew it all to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"EXCELLENT!" Coach Gundy says. "FINALLY a good example of a tragedy! Now... can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well" Johnny explains, "It would HAVE to be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be a big loss and it PROBABLY wouldn't be an accident."

Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

A guy forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

On his 80th birthday, a guy dressed up like a pirate and went around telling people "Aye Matey!"

If you pour root beer in a square glass, do you get beer?

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

A midget fortune teller was arrested and then managed to escape. Now there is a small medium at large.

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

[Triple Option]

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40."

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.

She said it would be romantic to carve our names on a tree in the park.
I was more worried about why she brought a knife on our date.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said "Don't mention it."

A wife says to her husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.

"Nothing is genuine on the Internet anymore." - Abraham Lincoln

Do you know how Darth Vader knew what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

Do you know why you take a mushroom to a Christmas party? He is a fungi to be with.

Santa and his wife wanted to split up but there were no divorce lawyers at the north pole so they got a semicolon instead; they're great at separating independent Clauses.

I hear lots of jokes about sheep.
I'd tell them to my dog but he'd herd them all.

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L."
The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!"
Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L."
With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?"
The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!"
Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde says, "I'll have a 15."
The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"
The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7."

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those that can count and those that can't.

A proton and a neutron had just left a bar. As they were walking down the street, the proton pats himself down and says, "Wait! I've got go back. I left my electrons." The neutron asks, "Are you sure?". The proton says, "I'm positive".

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

I really wanted kids when I was younger but I could just never . . . lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding . . . I don’t have a licence.

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." Worst postcard ever.

Red sky at night: sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.

[Triple Option]

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there..
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished . Naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. you know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

I was watching a race and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, "This could be interesting.”

If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door’s always open.

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

The worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning "Are we then yet?"

My wife has a body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.

I saw a documentary on how ships are held together. Riveting!

My wife said she was cold. I told her to go stand in the corner because corners are 90 degrees.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming anyway.

My neighbor put up a 10 foot high wooden fence around his backyard where his pool is. Made me so mad. I'm still trying to get over it.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

Women should not have children after 35. Really . . . 35 is enough kids for anyone.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters but all they had were 13,749 matches.

[Triple Option]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1984."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1984 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

The gene pool in Stillwater has no lifeguard.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

I like to write in my diary with invisible ink, but I’m never sure when the pen runs dry.

The sign said "20 items or less.” So I told the cashier “Hi, I’m Les!”

The sign in the grocery store said "pet supplies.” So I did. After a while they asked me to leave.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm eight I'll be over a hundred.

If you’re going to shoot a mime, be sure to use a silencer.

I went to a general store. They didn’t have any specific items.

I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog Spot. I miss him.

Sometimes there's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore holding a stick looking like an idiot.

The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive, but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope. - John Buchan
And it is much easier to pursue with a good boat.

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

[Triple Option]

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
13. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
17. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
18. A will is a dead giveaway.
19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
23. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
24. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
25. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
26. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
28. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
29. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
30. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
31. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
32. A calendar’s days are numbered.
33. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
34. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
35. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
37. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
38. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
39. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
40. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
41. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
42. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

When your first child eats some dirt, a blade of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some dirt, a blade of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some dirt, a blade of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.

When somebody makes you really angry, slowly count to ten out loud. When you get to seven, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.

My dog ate some Scrabble tiles and since then he's been trying to get the word out.

A friend said he did not understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

[Triple Option]

RIP boiling water. You shall be mist.

Yesterday at a garage sale I saw an old radio for $1, note on it said "volume stuck all the way up."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."

I started a business building yachts from home. Sails are going through the roof.

Free guitar. No strings attached.

Did you hear about the mom who told a Dad Joke?
It was a faux Pa.

A couple of days after Beethoven's funeral, an eerie, spooky noise was heard coming from his grave. They called the minister, the police, and finally a local music instructor. The musician listened a while, and said, "I think that's Beethoven's 5th symphony being played backwards." The music changed, and he said "And that's his 4th symphony being played backwards. So that means there's nothing to worry about. He's just decomposing."

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

I considered taking part in a clinical study to test an invisibility potion, but I just couldn't see myself doing it.

If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns, always go for the juggler.

Not all math puns are bad, just sum.

To the guy who invented the number zero - thanks for nothing.

Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.

My wife got mad and threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Fortunately, my wounds were only super fish oil.

I accidentally drank a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

At a funeral, a man sits down beside the grieving widow. He says "I knew your husband, so would it be all right if I get up and say a word?" She says that would be nice. He stands up and says "plethora," and sits back down. The widow looks at him and says "Thank you. That means a lot."

Regarding the joke above
El Guapo: Do I have a plethora of piñatas?
Jefe: oh yes, El Guapo, you have a plethora of piñatas.
From "Three Amigos".

I've never really liked the number 288. It's two gross.

I also don't like negative numbers. In fact, I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I asked my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, but she was busy. I guess the two of us are not going to work out.

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again . . .”

Found a snake in the yard today that was 3.14 feet long. It was a pi-thon.

A magician was driving down the street, when suddenly, he turned his car into a driveway!

[Triple Option]

"Are you familiar with Murphy's Law?"
"Sure - if something can go wrong, it will."
"Are you familiar with Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Mostly thinly sliced cabbage."

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident. He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..."
"Sir, please answer the question. Did you or did you not say you were fine?"
"Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..."
"Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer you were fine?"
The farmer turn to the judge and says, "Your honor, I am trying to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me."
The judge says "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant."
The farmer thanks him and begin, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town, with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer. As we cross an intersection, this big truck blows past the stop sign and smashes into us. The truck splits in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule is thrown into the other, and the truck just keeps going."
"Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket."
"I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot rang out, and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster."
"He says to me, sir, I am terribly sorry. Your mule was gravely injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. ... How are you?"

The bell-ringer for a church in a small village retired after many years on the job and they advertised for a new one. The ringing of the bell was an important tradition in the town, and one they took very seriously, and none of the applicants who tried out quite measured up to the high standards they desired. Finally a man with no arms shows up one day and says he wants to apply for the bell-ringing job. The minister is a little taken aback and says, “Well, no offense, but how can you even pull the ropes with no arms?” The guy just asks for a chance so the minister says OK. The guy climbs way up into the belfry of the bell tower and starts pushing the bell with his face. And whoa! It was beautiful! No one had ever heard the bell ring like that before. So he got the job and everyone was happy. He rang the church bell to summon people to church and for other important occasions. But one Sunday morning, as he was ringing the bell, a tremedous gust of wind comes along and blows him over the side. He falls to his death in front of the church door and the congregation comes rushing out. Brother Jedediah says “I never even got a chance to get to know him! What was his name?” And sweet little old Sister Grace says “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

So they bury the armless bell-ringer and advertise for a new one. Alas, no one even comes close to their now even higher expectations. Then the minister answers the door and it’s the armless bell-ringer! The guy says no, he was his twin brother. They were identical twins and were both born without arms, and learned to ring bells together, and his deceased brother had told him about his new job, and he would like to carry on his brother’s work. The minister says if he can play anything at all like his brother, then absolutely, so the guy climbs up into the belfry and sure enough, he rings the bell just like his brother had and it’s beautiful and everyone is happy again. Until one Sunday morning he is ringing the bell and a tremendous gust of wind blows him over the side and he falls to his death. The congregation rushes out and gathers around shouting things like “Not again!” and Brother Jedediah says “I never had a chance to get to know this one either. What was his name?” And Sister Grace says “I don’t know his name, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

If Will Smith got lost, how would you find him?
Look for the fresh prints.

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
He couldn't control his pupils

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de brie.