Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

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Oops, I almost missed National Pi Day.

















What do you get when you divide the circumference of the moon by its diameter?
Pi in the sky.

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I eat a lot of escargo and a lot of turtle soup.

Because I don't like fast food.

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Here is something that young kids [below the age of 73] missed a lot of great things. This is one that I doubt most young kids probably never watched.

This is a classic that never gets old.

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Here is something that young kids [below the age of 73] missed a lot of great things. This is one that I doubt most young kids probably never watched.

This is a classic that never gets old.

Still the greatest comedy routine of all time.

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Alas, I missed St. Patrick's Day, but here's some Irish jokes a day late.

NEWS ALERT:
The Irish SAS were dropped into Russia last week with orders to "take Vladimir Putin out."
So far, he’s been to the movies twice, and last night they took him bowling!


Paddy Murphy checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
Paddy replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb sign on it.”


Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize:
Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.
The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.
Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted.
Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’


A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.
He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.
The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a half-hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.
The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”
The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t last year.”


An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”


Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise.
Murphy says "It’s awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Paddy says "Sure everyone is probably watching the band.”
Murphy says "There isin’t a band playing tonight."
Paddy says "But I definitely heard someone say 'A band on ship.' "


An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that weird-looking little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”
“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. “Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little thing!” he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!
“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll chop his willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t have willies.”
“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”

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And a few more.

Mick O’Toole was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”



Liam had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop “where have ya been?”
“Why I’ve been to the pub of course,” Liam slurs..
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”.
“I did all right,” Liam says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” Liam sighs. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”



Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy, and Shawn O’Brien grew up together and were best friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brien, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.
“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request for ye to do.”
O’Brien burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”
“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”
O’Brien was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, ’tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”



Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy replies: “In the car.”
“Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.

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Two croooks are robbing a liquor store when one grabs a bottle, squints at the label,, and asks the other, “Is this whiskey?”
The other robber says, “Yeth, but not ath wisky as wobbing a bank.”

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An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she’s going to kill him. The next time she mops the kitchen floor he walks in from outside, gets the kitchen floor dirty, and tracks water into the living room.

Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner. Then she calls 911 and tells them, “I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn’t listen and I shot him.”

Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife. The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it’s a rather strange story so he drives to the house.

When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside. He asks, “Officers, why haven’t you gone inside and arrested the woman?” They look at each other rather sheepishly and one says, “Well, the kitchen floor is still wet.”

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Here's a little context for this one.
https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/t ... 54df2b7b9b

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Lol good recruiting tool to show kids why not to go there. Plus its all true

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Here's a little context for this one.
https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/t ... 54df2b7b9b

I remember watching that episode. At first I thought the sling hit her