Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

[BudaSooner]

Bottom post of the previous page:

... nobody would EVER admit to it, would they?

[BudaSooner]

Hokay, don't wanna wear ya out from all the laughter...

[BudaSooner]

Paddy goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with Jack's wife. Can you hold him in church for
an hour after mass for me?"
Mike doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to Jack, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally Jack gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to Jack, "Paddy is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
Jack smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You'd better hurry home now, Paddy. My wife died a year ago.

[BudaSooner]

[BudaSooner]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong female dog out the window."

[BudaSooner]