Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

This forum contains popular threads that are worthy of archiving
User avatar
Oklahombre
Posts: 1512
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 3:43 pm
2
Has thanked: 836 times
Been thanked: 329 times

Post by Oklahombre »

Bottom post of the previous page:

Just a bear pic for Walt

Image
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 920
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
2
Has thanked: 200 times
Been thanked: 403 times

Post by Triple Option »

Image
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 920
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
2
Has thanked: 200 times
Been thanked: 403 times

Post by Triple Option »

Image
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 920
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
2
Has thanked: 200 times
Been thanked: 403 times

Post by Triple Option »

Image
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
AllSooner
Posts: 955
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2021 11:09 pm
2
Has thanked: 1470 times
Been thanked: 396 times

Post by AllSooner »

Triple Option wrote: Wed Jul 27, 2022 2:30 pm Image
I'm a PRO tractor driver myself!
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 920
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
2
Has thanked: 200 times
Been thanked: 403 times

Post by Triple Option »

My wife and I have an open relationship.

Learned that last night.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 920
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
2
Has thanked: 200 times
Been thanked: 403 times

Post by Triple Option »

FYI - you pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain.

Again, my apologies to the lady at Waffle House this morning.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 920
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
2
Has thanked: 200 times
Been thanked: 403 times

Post by Triple Option »

I got my wife a metal detector for her birthday, but she didn't like it.

I thought she would love it, based on how much she digs up the past.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
OU Guy
Posts: 12144
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:22 pm
2
Location: OKC
Has thanked: 2166 times
Been thanked: 1891 times

Post by OU Guy »

TO, I always get a laugh at these Dad jokes! My adult kids do too.
In Brent I Trust :D
User avatar
Oklahombre
Posts: 1512
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 3:43 pm
2
Has thanked: 836 times
Been thanked: 329 times

Post by Oklahombre »

For some reason this reminds me of @Rough Rider, formally posting as TBM.. :dude:

Crocodile Farm




When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;

-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;

-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;

-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."
User avatar
Oklahombre
Posts: 1512
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 3:43 pm
2
Has thanked: 836 times
Been thanked: 329 times

Post by Oklahombre »

What...No blonde jokes... :dude:


A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
User avatar
OU Guy
Posts: 12144
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:22 pm
2
Location: OKC
Has thanked: 2166 times
Been thanked: 1891 times

Post by OU Guy »

Image
In Brent I Trust :D
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 920
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
2
Has thanked: 200 times
Been thanked: 403 times

Post by Triple Option »

What do politicians do after they die?

They lie still.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
SwampSooner
Posts: 895
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
2
Has thanked: 315 times
Been thanked: 251 times

Post by SwampSooner »

Putin announces that it’s ‘Russia against NATO in a war, yes, now you can call it a war!’ in a speech.

A Russian general’s wife is listening, and she asks her husband, “how are we doing in the war?”

The general says, “So far, we’ve lost 1,600 tanks, 2,000 armored vehicles, 3 ships, 4,500 rocket launchers, and more than 50,000 soldiers.”

She’s shocked. “And… what about NATO?” She asks.

The general sighs, and says, “Oh, they haven’t shown up yet…”
User avatar
SwampSooner
Posts: 895
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2021 2:22 pm
2
Has thanked: 315 times
Been thanked: 251 times

Post by SwampSooner »

Classic Insults

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
1. "He had delusions of inadequacy” - Walter Kerr
2. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
3. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
4. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
9. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
10. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here” - Stephen Bishop
12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
16. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
17. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
18. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
19. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
20. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
21. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
22. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
23. The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
24. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
25. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
26. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
27. "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
Post Reply

Create an account or sign in to join the discussion

You need to be a member in order to post a reply

Create an account

Not a member? register to join our community
Members can start their own topics & subscribe to topics
It’s free and only takes a minute

Register

Sign in