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Soonertimes posters wrote: A guy with a duck under his arm walks into the room where his wife is sitting and says "This is the pig I was telling you about."
His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"
He says "I was talking to the duck."
Research shows that men own more dogs than women.
Because it's illegal to own women.
When I was in high school, I tried out for the football team. The coach asked, "So. Do you think you could pass this football, son?" I said, "If I can swallow it, I can pass it."
So, anyway, my Friday nights were pretty much open.
Paleontologists have discovered the tibia of a dinosaur, that is believed to be the largest ever found. They're inviting everyone to a huge party to watch as it is uncovered and removed from the ground.
Yes, it's going to be quite a shindig.
Do they allow loud laughs in Hawaii or just a low ha?
I asked the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said “How flexible are you?”
I said “Well, I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
Had lunch with a buddy who's a competitive chess player. The restaurant had checkered tablecloths. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
My buddy said he really wanted to plant an apple tree, but his wife said no.
I told him to grow a pear.
Just sold my homing pigeon on ebay for the 23rd time.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.
I was going to start on a diet, but I just have way too much on my plate right now.
I wasn’t particularly close to Grandpa when he died.
Which was lucky for me, because he was run over by a bus.
There are three unwritten rules for getting rich, and they work every single time:
1.
2.
3.
A limbo player walks into a bar . . . and was immediately out.
I was only about halfway through the horse when I realized I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.
On average, humans have one breast and one testicle.