Bottom post of the previous page:
Soonertimes posters wrote: "Are you familiar with Murphy's Law?"
"Sure - if something can go wrong, it will."
"Are you familiar with Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Mostly thinly sliced cabbage."
A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident. He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..."
"Sir, please answer the question. Did you or did you not say you were fine?"
"Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..."
"Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer you were fine?"
The farmer turn to the judge and says, "Your honor, I am trying to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me."
The judge says "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant."
The farmer thanks him and begin, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town, with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer. As we cross an intersection, this big truck blows past the stop sign and smashes into us. The truck splits in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule is thrown into the other, and the truck just keeps going."
"Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket."
"I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot rang out, and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster."
"He says to me, sir, I am terribly sorry. Your mule was gravely injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. ... How are you?"
The bell-ringer for a church in a small village retired after many years on the job and they advertised for a new one. The ringing of the bell was an important tradition in the town, and one they took very seriously, and none of the applicants who tried out quite measured up to the high standards they desired. Finally a man with no arms shows up one day and says he wants to apply for the bell-ringing job. The minister is a little taken aback and says, “Well, no offense, but how can you even pull the ropes with no arms?” The guy just asks for a chance so the minister says OK. The guy climbs way up into the belfry of the bell tower and starts pushing the bell with his face. And whoa! It was beautiful! No one had ever heard the bell ring like that before. So he got the job and everyone was happy. He rang the church bell to summon people to church and for other important occasions. But one Sunday morning, as he was ringing the bell, a tremedous gust of wind comes along and blows him over the side. He falls to his death in front of the church door and the congregation comes rushing out. Brother Jedediah says “I never even got a chance to get to know him! What was his name?” And sweet little old Sister Grace says “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
So they bury the armless bell-ringer and advertise for a new one. Alas, no one even comes close to their now even higher expectations. Then the minister answers the door and it’s the armless bell-ringer! The guy says no, he was his twin brother. They were identical twins and were both born without arms, and learned to ring bells together, and his deceased brother had told him about his new job, and he would like to carry on his brother’s work. The minister says if he can play anything at all like his brother, then absolutely, so the guy climbs up into the belfry and sure enough, he rings the bell just like his brother had and it’s beautiful and everyone is happy again. Until one Sunday morning he is ringing the bell and a tremendous gust of wind blows him over the side and he falls to his death. The congregation rushes out and gathers around shouting things like “Not again!” and Brother Jedediah says “I never had a chance to get to know this one either. What was his name?” And Sister Grace says “I don’t know his name, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
If Will Smith got lost, how would you find him?
Look for the fresh prints.
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
He couldn't control his pupils
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de brie.