Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

Discussions on any and all things OU men's sports
Post Reply
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Off-Season, Off-Topic, and Off the Wall - (The Return) - post your favorite jokes, puns, one-liners, gifs, and memes

Post by Triple Option »

Here is the joke thread from the old board. Was not able to capture all the links (to articles, pics, gifs, and videos), unless the link was shown on the main page (which I just copied and pasted). Most of those are in this initial post. Getting the rest would have required opening each individual post to get the link, and I don't think I'll live long enough to have done that. But all the written jokes from the old board are in the posts that follow this one.
Soonertimes posters wrote:
How to pick a wife



How to pick a husband



The wit and wisdom of Mike Leach:
https://www.sbnation.com/college-footba ... head-coach


Husbands of Target



French commercial



So, what did you do during quarantine? This guy spent 2 months building a 70-step Rube-Goldberg machine around his entire yard, apparently using stuff that was just laying around.



One of the best impersonators around today.



Dealing Chick-fil-a product on Sundays when they're closed.



Not so far fetched



Not a video or a joke, just a cool story
https://nypost.com/2020/11/07/meet-the- ... ssion=true
Last edited by Triple Option on Fri Feb 25, 2022 10:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

My wife thinks I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

...the difference between Guts and Balls!
"Guts" is defined as the night you come home late after a night at the pub with your mates and your wife meets you at the door with a broom, you say to her,...
ARE YOU STILL CLEANING, OR ARE YOU FLYING SOMEWHERE?
"Balls" is defined as the night you come home late after a night at the pub with your mates, and when your wife meets you at the door, she sees lipstick on your collar and smells a strange perfume. You say to her,...
YOU'RE NEXT CHUBBY!
BOTH COMMENTS ARE FATAL!

My favorite move quote of all time. It is from Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd and Harry are in the heart shaped hot tub.
"Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of c--p about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention."

So a guy has been in out of jail several times and wants to straighten out his life. He’d always wanted to be a writer so he submits a manuscript. They reject it with the note “Sorry, but we can’t publish your work. You have too many short sentences.”

These identical twin brothers, Juan and Amal, were wanted by the police.  Somebody called in a tip on where they were, but the two men ran off when the officers showed up.  They rather quickly caught Juan, but the other brother was still loose in the area. It was a residential neighborhood and there was some concern that the wanted man might be able to go unrecognized and slip out of the net, so the incident commander had all the officers go stop by and take a good look at Juan in order to recognize his features. Because once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married,  do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
 "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!” 

An infinite number of mathematicians walk in to a bar.  The first orders a beer, the 2nd orders half a beer, the 3rd orders a quarter of an beer and so on.  After the 7th order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "you fellas ought to know your limits."
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Jim Bob and Billy Bob were out deer hunting. Jim Bob accidentally shoots Bill Bob. He carries him off to the hospital and asks the Dr "Will Billy Bob be ok". The Dr says I don't know but he would have stood a much better chance had you not field dressed him before you brought him in.

Once again, out deer hunting. Jim Bob accidentally shoots Billy Bob. He immediately calls 911.
JB: (Frantically) I just accidentally shot and killed Billy Bob while we were hunting. What do I do? What do I do?
911: Now Sir, first, you must calm down.
JB: OK. I'm calm. Now what?
911: Now I need you to make sure Billy Bob is dead.
JB: Hold on just a sec. (Noise in background: LOUD BANG
JB: OK. Now what?

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

A guys is talking to God and says "God, how long is a million years to you?"
And God says "Oh, a million years to me is like a second."
The guy says "So how much is a million dollars to you?"
God says "A million dollars to me is like a penny."
The guy thinks a little while and then he asks "God, can I just have a penny?"
God says "Sure, just a second."

When I was younger, I felt like a guy trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born.

I usually meet my wife for lunch at 12:59 because we like that one to one time.

These three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across some tracks.
The first one said "those are deer tracks."  The second one said "no, no, those are moose tracks."  The third one said "you are both wrong, those are elk tracks."
They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.

The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he got to my car he asked me why I ran the stop sign. I told him I don't believe everything I read.

Last night a played a blank tape at full volume. It drove the Mime in the apartment above me crazy.

I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It's just been collecting dust anyway.

I have an incredible sea shell collection. Maybe you've seen it....scattered on the beaches of the world.

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
 "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
 "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adams suit!"
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you lost was just a pigeon.

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got those little bitty stubby legs.

Old Age Still Isn't For Sissies - This is what all of you 70+ year olds, and yet-to-be kids have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know the facts.

If you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws, you might be from the SEC.

If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be from the SEC.

If your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath," you might be from the SEC.

If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be from the SEC.

If going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight, you might be from the SEC.

Billy Joe Ray Donnie Lee and his twin half-brother Bobby Joe Ray Donnie Lee loved to fish. They heard about ice fishing up north and had to try it. Just before getting to the frozen lake, they stopped at a little bait shop and got supplies, including an ice pick.
An hour later, one of them returned to the shop and bought another dozen ice picks. Three hours later the other one came back and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The man in the bait shop finally asked, "How are you fellows doing?"
"Not so good" he replied. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

This lady takes her parakeet to the vet because it won't wake up.  The vet takes a look at the bird, pokes it, and says "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you that your parakeet is dead."  The woman get angry and says "How do you know he's dead?  You didn't even do anything.  Aren't there tests that can tell for sure what's wrong?"
The vet says "Fine, I'll see what I can do."  He puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles.  In comes an orange tabby who hops up on the exam table, paws at the parakeet, shakes his head, and then walks out.  Immediately in comes a labrador retriever who jumps up on the table, sniffs at the bird, shakes his head, and then leaves.
The vet tells the lady "Well, that's conclusive.  I'm sorry but your bird really is dead.  Here's my bill."  The lady is mad again, exclaiming "How can it possibly cost $400 bucks for this?"  The vet tells her "If you'd accepted my opinion in the beginning it would have only been $100, but you're the one who insisted on the cat scan and the lab report."

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a mar-tun-us.
The bartender asks, "Don't you mean martini?"
To which the Roman replied, "If I had wanted two, I would have asked for two."

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!” “That bad, huh” “She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!”
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” he replied, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I mean, come on… it’s only twenty-five cents!”

Three couples were meeting with the pastor of the local church.
Pastor  You all have done well learning the tenets of our church.  You have volunteered and helped out here.  You have one more step before you will be allowed to join our congregation.  As our Savior sacrificed his life for us, you all must make a sacrifice.  You must abstain from sex for a month.
A month later, they were again in the pastor office.  He turns to the 60-year old couple and asks if they abstained from sex for the entire month.  They said they had.  The husband said it started getting difficult there toward the end but a couple of cold showers did the trick.  To which the pastor responded, "Welcome to our church."
The pastor turned toward the 40- year old couple and asked if they had abstained from sex.  They said they had to which the husband added, that it was getting difficult there toward the middle of the month, but he took up jogging and that helped tide them through the month.  Too which the pastor responded, "Welcome to our church."
The pastor turned toward the 20-year old newlyweds and asked if they had abstained from sex for an entire month.  The husband replied that it was really difficult.  He was taking cold showers every night and running five miles a day to try to resist the urge, but as the days passed it getting harder and harder to resist.  I was doing my best until she bent over to pick up a can of corn and I couldn't stop myself.  To which the pastor replied,"I am sorry to hear that, but you are not welcome in our church."
As the newlyweds got up to leave, the husband said, "That is OK pastor, we are not welcome in Walmart either."
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? Dam!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your bat and your glove. Let’s go outside and play some baseball.”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again”

Just before the cat catches him, a mouse dives into his hole, and just laughs as he hears the cat meowing angrily. But soon after, he hears the dog barking right outside. The dog has never paid any attention to the mouse, and he knows the cat is afraid of the dog, so he confidently marches back out of his hole. The mouse is surprised that he doesn’t see the dog, at which point the cat immediately pounces on the mouse and eats him. As the cat sits there licking his paws, he thinks to himself “It’s great to be bilingual!”

Roy Rogers was returning from town on his horse Trigger.  He had bought some supplies and a pair of cowboy boots,  Suddenly, a mountain lion leaps off a cliff , knocking Roy off his horse.  Roy hit a rock and was unconscious for several minutes.  When he came to, he saw that the cat had torn into the supplies and had mauled his  new boots.
Roy rode to the ranch, and after telling Dale Evans what happened, he took out his rifle, hunted the mountain lion down and killed him.
Planning to skin the cat, Roy put the carcass on Trigger and road home.
He was met by Dale at the gate to ranch where she quipped, "Pardon me Roy, is that the Cat who chewed you new shoes?" (Say it out loud)

...Two whales, a male and a female, noticed a ship of whalers hunting them.
The male said to the female, " Let's swim under their boat and blow our spouts at the same time. We'll capsize their ship." Somewhat reluctantly, the female agreed and sure enough the whale hunters boat turned over spilling the sailors into the water.
The whale hunters then began swimming and the male said to the female, "Come on, we can eat them now."
The female replied,
"NO! I was down with the blowjob,...but I am not going to swallow the sea men!"

Auto Mechanic: I think that we got that banging noise fixed as soon as we let your wife out of the trunk.

My wife told a friend "I didn't want to marry him for his money, but that was the only way I could get it!"
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: Things you'll never hear in SEC country
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Do you have any “lite” bologna?”
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up... it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrestling's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
24. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
25. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
26. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
27. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
28. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
29. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee-Haw" that we haven't seen."
30. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
31. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
32. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
33. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
34. "Elvis who?"
35. "Checkmate."

Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away, a king had an enormous treasure that he kept hidden. The only ones who knew where it was hidden were the king and his three trusted counts. One day, enemies overran the kingdom, stormed the castle, and murdered the king.
They took one of the counts, put his head on the chopping block and said “Tell us where the treasure is or you’re going to die, you’re no good to us anyway if you won’t talk!” He said resolutely “Absolutely not! I promised the king I would never tell!” And wham! The executioner’s blade came down and chopped off his head, and it rolled across the floor.
The other two counts’ eyes got big, and the enemies grabbed the second count, put his head on the chopping block, and said “Tell us where the treasure is or you’re going to die, you’re no good to us anyway if you won’t talk!” He hesitated a bit, and said “Well, it’s . . . we put it . . . no! I can’t tell. I promised the king I would never tell!” And wham! The executioner’s blade came down and chopped off his head, and it rolled across the floor.
The third count was now sweating bullets. The enemies grabbed him, put his head on the chopping block, and said “Tell us where the treasure is or you’re going to die, you’re no good to us anyway if you won’t talk!” He saw the heads of his two friends lying there, vacant eyes staring back at him, and he started to crumble, but was torn by the oath of secrecy he had sworn. He said “It’s . . . no, I cant’ . . . we put it . . . I just can’t . . . well . . . no! I can’t tell. I promised the king I would never tell!” The executioner’s axe descended but just before impact the count screamed “OK! I’LL TALK!” But wham! It was too late.
And the moral of the story is: Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

A friend bet me I couldn't swallow my watch.
I finally did, but it was very time consuming.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Idiots.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously insane. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

My wife was standing there holding the checkbook and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I don't like to interrupt.

My wife is kind of bossy. She told me to stop doing my flamingo impression. So I finally had to put my foot down.

My wife and I were happy for 22 years. Then we met.

A local priest and a local pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near!   Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.  From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."'
"'Have a good day, sir,"' replied the trooper.

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson indicated there were no leads in the case saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said...
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself"
And that's when the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so; I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started

I came home from work one day and smelt something coming from the kitchen. I walked in and asked my wife what the garbage was doing on the stove? The jury said it was justifiable homicide!!!!!!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
He made a mint!

Did you hear about the guy who was in an accident and lost his left arm and left leg?
He's all right now.

Researchers have discovered that the leaves of a particular fern are a sure cure for constipation. A spokesman was quoted as saying "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Did you hear about the guy who worked at the meat processing plant and backed into the grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: Grandpa suggested I register for a donor card.
He’s a man after my own heart.

Grandpa always said "there's no place like home."
Yet, when we put him in one . . .

Grandpa was happily married for 32 years.
Out of 67.

Actually, Grandpa was a real family man.
He had 3 of them.

When I was little, I used to get Grandpa and Grandma confused.
By using big words.

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

My wife Bunny and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk.
The man on the phone started to talk to my wife in computer jargon, which confused us even more.
"Sir," my wife politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old."
"Okay," the computer technician replied. "Sister, could you please put your daddy on the phone?"

Grandpa had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Kansas City Zoo.

Grandpa used to say, “Fight fire with fire.”
Which is probably why he got kicked off the fire department.

Grandpa used to say, “Always leave them wanting more.”
That’s probably why he lost his job at City Union Mission.

Grandpa was ill; his skin was real dry and he was very pale, so my grandmother rubbed oil all over him to help his dry skin, then laid him on the slope in the yard where he could get some sun.
After that he went downhill very quickly.

After Grandpa’s funeral, I scattered his remains into the wind from a hill at the city park.
In retrospect, that may not have been the best idea because he hadn’t been cremated.
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: If I Could Have Any Superpower, It'd Definitely Be Invisibility
By Superman

It's kind of a nerdy question, but it always seems to come up. You'll be hanging out with a few friends and someone will ask, "If you could have any superpower you wanted, what would it be?" Most people can't answer right away because there's so many to choose from. But not me. I know exactly what I'd pick, hands down, every time: invisibility.

Just think about invisibility for a second. No one can see you. You're there but not there. You could be in the same room with someone, standing inches away, and they wouldn't realize it. Sure, they could reach out and touch you if they wanted—but why would they? They wouldn't know you were there! Heck, an invisible person could be watching me this very second, and if not for the fact that my super hearing allows me to detect a heartbeat anywhere in the world, I'd have no way of knowing.

Go stand in front of a mirror. Now, imagine there's no one looking back at you. Or what it would be like if you held your hands directly in front of your face and saw nothing but the wall on the other side of the room. That's impossible, right? That simply does not happen!

Invisibility would definitely blow people's minds. I could be holding a 50-ton tanker truck above my head, and it would look like it's just floating there, in total defiance of the laws of physics. Or I could put out a fire at an oil refinery with my super-cold breath, but no one would see me expel the subzero, hurricane-force winds from my lungs—to them it would be this miraculous gust of arctic air blowing in from absolutely nowhere.

Can you imagine what it's like to fly over a crowd of people and not have a single one of them look up and point at you? What could be more amazing than that?

There I am, floating invisibly outside Brainiac's spaceship. I can use my X-ray vision to make out every last detail of his evildoing, yet he's completely oblivious. His sensors detect something, of course, but he's sure they're malfunctioning because by all appearances there isn't anything out there. And later, when I nudge the earth from its orbit just enough to avoid his apocalypse beam, he never knows how I discovered his plan. He probably wouldn't believe me if I told him!

Yeah, invisibility is the best superpower, without a doubt. I honestly don't know why people even have this discussion.

The only downside to invisibility I can think of—and I've given this a lot of thought—is how tempting it would be to abuse it. For instance, it would be very easy to rob a bank. I could just stand in the lobby, totally unnoticed by anyone, and wait until everyone went home for the evening. Then, with the whole building to myself, I could simply walk up, rip the vault door off its hinges, and fill my money bags at the speed of light. If the police somehow arrived before I finished, I wouldn't have to worry about being arrested, because I could stroll right past them.

Which isn't to say I wouldn't want to be invisible. But with power like that, I'd just need to be very, very careful.

In any case, I realize it's a silly fantasy. It's never going to happen. If someone wants to shoot me, all they have to do is spot me on the street, aim, and pull the trigger, and if the bullet is going fast enough to hit me, it'll bounce off my chest in full view of everyone.

That's how it's always going to be. There's no getting around the limitations of the real world. It's fun to ponder, though. Come to think of it, it'd also be cool to have an elastic body and be able to stretch my arms and legs 20 feet or something. That'd be amazing.

Can you imagine?
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: I wanted to save money so I built a place for my books out of boards and cement blocks. But it fell over on me.
I have only my shelf to blame.

Some guy tried to sell me a burial plot.
But I told him that's the last thing I need.

Someone drilled a hole in the fence around a nudist camp.
The police are looking into it.

It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Today is 3/14, which as you all well aware, is National Pi Day.
Who was the heftiest knight at King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference, because he ate too much pi.

Alas, I was sorely remiss in letting St. Patrick's Day go by - so here, belatedly, is an Irish joke.
What's Irish and hangs out in your back yard?
Paddy O'Furniture

And an extra Irish joke for being late . . .
A guy walks into an Irish pub and orders 3 tankards of ale. The bartender brings them, the man drinks them all straight down, one after another, and the bartender asks him why 3 at a time. He says - "I'm one of a set of triplets, and every year on our birthday, we decided that wherever we were, we'd always drink a tankard of ale for each of us. I'm passing through town today, so I'm drinking them here." The bartender thinks that kind of neat, and he sees the guy off and on when he's in town, and several times down through the years, he's in town on his birthday and comes in and drinks 3 tankards of ale for himself and his brothers. One year he comes in on his birthday and orders only 2 tankards of ale. The bartender is surprised, and finally says, "I'm sorry about your brother." The man is clearly puzzled and asks "Why?" The bartender says "Well, you only ordered 2 tankards of ale. Did one of your brothers die?" The guy says "No, me brothers are fine. But me, I quit drinking 6 months ago."

Women don't admit their age, men don't act theirs.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, as long as I die by Tuesday.

The IRS motto: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Something happened yesterday that scared me half to death.
Now I'm really concerned it might happen again.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.
Touched by this display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

A boy says, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married!"
The father says, For that son, you have to have a boy and a girl."
The son says, "I've found a girl."
"Who?"
"My grandmother."
"Let me get this straight," the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."
"Well, why not?" the son says. "You married mine!"
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: Dear Mom & Dad,

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Charlie when it happened. Oh yes, please call Charlie's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster got mad at Charlie for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Charlie said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas could blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Our Scoutmaster is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Travis how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Charlie was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When David dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Raymond and I threw up. Scoutmaster said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Your son

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklaces, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

After watching The Longest Yard, a promoter thought it would be great to put together an exhibition game of NFL players vs. prison inmates. His sales pitch was impressive and relentless, but the NFL said no, for various reasons, including that they did not want to expose their players to possible injury. The promoter dismissed this idea, saying the risk of injury was minimal, in part because the NFL players were simply bigger than the inmates. He said "It's clear the pros outweigh the cons!"

I always thought saying “I apologize” was the same as saying “I’m sorry” . . . I found out that’s not true at a funeral.

Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means "me".

You know Leanne Rimes? Wait, no it doesn't.

Most people have an above average number of legs.

I saw a short guy climbing out of a 2nd story prison window. I thought it was a little con descending.

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Hey, I think it is funny:lol: - From Hutchings' California Magazine, 1860'" (p. 59)
" 'A party recently left Joe's store at Mormon Bar for the Valley, and a friend of the Star furnishes the following statistiics-- showing the amount of "the necessaries of life" which is required for an eight day's trip in the mountains:
8 lbs potatoes.
1 bottle whiskey.
1 bottle pepper sauce.
1 bottle whiskey.
1 box tea.
9 lbs onions.
2 bottles whiskey.
1 ham.
11 lbs crackers.
1 bottle whiskey.
1/2 doz. sardines.
2 bottles brandy, (4th proof.)
6 lbs sugar.
1 bottle brandy, (4th proof.)
1 bottle pepper.
5 gallons whiskey.
4 bottles whiskey. (old Bourbon)
1 small keg whiskey.
1 bottle of cocktails , (designed for a "starter.")

Some things you intuitively know, but it’s still nice to see them proven mathematically.
Warning – NSFW – Not Safe for Wives!

Given: Women take both time and money, so:
Women = Time x Money
Given: “Time is money” so: Time = Money
Therefore, Women = Money x Money or Women = Money Squared
Given: “Money is the root of all evil” so:
Money = the square root of Evil or Evil = Money Squared
Since: Women = Money Squared and Evil = Money Squared
Therefore: Women = Evil
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
User avatar
Triple Option
Posts: 447
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 12:48 pm
Has thanked: 38 times
Been thanked: 88 times

Post by Triple Option »

Soonertimes posters wrote: I hate those little Russian dolls . . . they're so full of themselves.

I finally got around to reading that Stephen Hawking book the other day. I figured it was about time.

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

Conjunctivitis.com - now there’s a site for sore eyes.

One time I saw a baseball, and I couldn’t figure out why it seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. Suddenly it hit me.

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

A short psychic broke out of jail. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

I went to a bookstore and asked the lady for a book about turtles. She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little wrinkled heads.”

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away, a king and his wife longed for a baby, but alas, they remained childless. So they got a kitten. They enjoyed it so much they got another, and another, and then a puppy, and more puppies, and soon there were cats and dogs running all over the palace. The king and queen were so enamored of their pets they kept acquiring more – rabbits and chickens and pigs and sheep and then a calf and then a fawn and soon there were animals everywhere, traditional pets but also barnyard animals like horses and cows and even wild animals – deer and turkeys and ducks and geese and well, you get the idea. The palace was a mess and it smelled horrible and they became a laughingstock among all the other kingdoms. Finally the people had enough, and since the king and queen refused to give up their animals, the people revolted and kicked them out and anointed a new king and queen with higher standards of cleanliness. It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of game.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece-suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other
And so they haggled before the king, until he demanded silence.
"My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in halve.
Each of you shall receive a half."
"Fine. Sound good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A retired farmer who lived next to a state highway was sitting on his porch early one morning, when a state highway truck parked down the road. The driver got out of the truck, walked to the edge of the ditch, dug a hole, then got back into the truck. Another guy got out of the truck, walked to the hole, filled it back in, and then returned to the truck. The driver then moved the truck 50 feet up the road, and the process repeated itself. This went on all morning.
When they got up even with his house, the farmer walked out and asked them what was going on. “You get out and dig a hole, and then you get out and fill it in.”
The driver looked a little sheepish, and replied, "Well, we're part of a state highway beautification project. The problem is, the guy who's supposed to put the tree in the hole is home sick today."
All that is gold does not glitter.
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither.
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- Bilbo Baggins
Post Reply

Create an account or sign in to join the discussion

You need to be a member in order to post a reply

Create an account

Not a member? register to join our community
Members can start their own topics & subscribe to topics
It’s free and only takes a minute

Register

Sign in